Christmas Challenge: Week 1

December 1st-  I got in my hugs with Joel and James, but not with Matthew! Ill have to work harder on his hugs tomorrow :)  We read "The 12 days of Christmas" and did a craft together followed by a family dinner. It may have all taken place around the coffee table BUT we did it!  After I got everyone to bed Matthew and I played Speed and I didn't even cop out after a couple rounds, I played all the way through,

December 2nd- seriously it's the second day and I'm already failing miserably at this hug thing, ugh, it's just not something that comes naturally to me and I don't think about doing it!  I did eat together and read the book.  We did some drawing together as a family.  BUT I'm most proud about the fact that despite Matthew pushing my buttons I still played the game with him.  I SO wanted to just leave him in his room, but I called him down and played for awhile!  Now hugs tomorrow.....I can do this!

December 3rd-  I did pretty good on hugs today!  Got in 5 with each of the boys!  Did our book and ate together, we didn't have time for a craft since it is the mobile therapist night.

December 4th-We read our book and ate our dinner together.  I played a game with Matthew, he didn't like loosing and began yelling that I was a cheater....things went downhill from there.  BUT I did eventually get him to his room so we could both calm down.  He came down a little later and apologized, we had a good talk so I guess it was a win!

December 5th- Got in some hugs today, played several games.  Of course Matthew had yet another blow out for not winning the game which resulted in him breaking the security/video camera upstairs....he is still up there dysregulated, but not breaking anything so Im taking a minute!  We had dinner together and illustrated a story we made.

December 6th- It was a busy day today and we had a rough morning, but we got everything in!

December 7th- I may or may not have just hugged my kids 20 times in a row to get in my hugs this week, LOL.  I am going to do better next week, I have to do better!  Everything else went pretty smoothly this week, despite Matthew really working on sabotaging the games.  2 more weeks to go :)

Creating a Safety Plan

Having a safety plan in place is vitally important when you are dealing with a child who struggles with mental illness, whether it is a threat of suicide, manic or aggressive/threatening behavior, knowing what to do when in the midst of crisis needs to be second nature to ensure everyone's safety.

When developing the safety plan it is important to have input not only from any family members or caregivers who it may effect, but also additional third parties such as counselors, therapists, first responders, etc.  It is important to know what your options are and what supports are available to you before a crisis occurs.  Having input from other trained professionals can help you find other available supports you may not know about as well as determining the best course of action for your particular child.  Involving others also protects you in the future and helps you to explain to first responders/hospitals/treatment centers the actions you took before contacting them and how the family has gotten to this point in the safety plan. Most importantly don't forget to include your child in this process.  Keeping the discussion open may help them recognize their own warning signs for crisis and respond better. asking your child about what would help them in crisis is a great place to start.

Having a written safety plan is only helpful if everyone in the family knows their role and what to do in an emergency.  It is extremely important that all family members participate in "practice" runs much like a fire drill.  In our house we have a code word we use to indicate that they are to go to the play room, lock the door, and pick a TV show to watch.  I use the code word every once in awhile when they least expect it and give out treats for good listeners.  By making it fun and non threatening I think it reduces any stress or fear when an actual need arises. 

Our safety plan includes a page (front and back) of basic/background/summary information including:

Child’s information

Family information 

Common Behaviors including known triggers/antecedents, things that can escalate/calm the behavior, strategies that may work.

Medications both current and past

Treatment and Interventions

Professional Team

Other Outside Supports/Resources

Safety Concerns

      YOU CAN GET A COPY OF THE CUSTOMIZEABLE SAFETY PLAN HERE

The second page includes the actual plan "If child is doing X, then you do Y."  This will be very child-specific, but here is a copy of ours so you can get an idea.

So now that you have your safety plan, you can just stick it on a shelf and forget about it right?  NO, the safety plan will have to constantly be amended and changed based on your families current needs and support systems.  It is also important to reflect on the safety plan and any changes that need to be made following a crisis.  You may want to ask What situations or triggers led to the crisis? What worked and didn't work?  What can we do differently to keep everyone safe and calm?
I like to make notes right on my safety plan and then develop a revised version based on my notes for the next crisis.

CRISIS BAG:

If any of you have ever sat in a psychiatric emergency room for hours on end, you know how boring, stressful and unproductive you can feel.  Creating a bag that can be left in the car or near the door is a great idea to prepare for a crisis.  Things are happening so fast when you reach the point of transporting or having your child transported to a hospital or emergency unit.  The last time we were in crisis the first responders wouldn't even give me the time to find my youngest kids shoes!!

This bag should include your crisis plan, documentation binder and some snacks, games, music or books for both yourself, the child in crisis, and any others who may be waiting for long periods of time.

You may also want to pack an emergency bag that includes a change of clothes and basic hygiene supplies in case it is determined the child in crisis will be admitted or transferred to another unit.





RESOURCES:
http://www.childcrisisresponsemn.org/resources/#t1
www.namihelps.org/MHCrisisplanbkltCH.pdf
http://kidslinkcares.com/mentalhealth/sample-safety-plans/
http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f13/must-read-creating-safety-plan-your-family-238/

Feel like being offended today.........Read this Article

 

GO READ THIS ARTICLE from The Christian Post,  http://www.christianpost.com/news/adoption-the-best-option-109268/, right now, DO IT!

Ok did you read it, on a scale of 1-10 how offended are you?  I'm not sure if I am more offended because I am single, adoptive parent, or a Christian!!

If he would have stopped about halfway through the article,  I would have agreed with him.  I strongly believe that abortion should NEVER be an option.  Where he totally lost me was this:

"Keeping the baby is almost never preferable to allowing a baby to be adopted into a solid, faithful Christian home. A single mother who keeps her baby is quite often denying that baby the father that God wants for that baby, and every baby, to have. Furthermore, in most circumstances, keeping the baby circumscribes and forecloses both the mother's and the baby's economic futures in tragic and unfortunate ways.
If the mother is doing what is best for her baby (one of the defining marks of maternal love), she will part with her baby so that it will have the future God intended for him or her to have. The Old Testament story of the two harlots who both had babies and one died in the night comes to mind (1Kings 3). Both women claimed the surviving baby was their child and wanted the king to give the baby to them. King Solomon decided to have the baby divided in two and each be given half. Immediately, the real mother told the king to give the baby to the other woman in order to save the child's life. In other words, she was thinking of the child's best interest, not her own."

Where do I even begin with that?? Let's break it down:

 "Keeping the baby is almost never preferable to allowing a baby to be adopted into a solid, faithful Christian home." WHAT?!  Keeping a baby is almost ALWAYS preferable to adoption, unless the child would be unsafe, abused, or neglected.  The removal of a child from their birth mother is a TRAUMATIC event for both the mother and the child, some are able to recover, some live with lifelong issues because of that trauma.  Furthermore, why is it assumed that the Single Mother's household is not a solid, faithful Christian home? And just because a child is placed in a Christian home doesn't mean that the child will in turn be a Christian or even embrace the parents moral values.  Just as there are many people who grew up in non-Christian homes who have found the Lord.  And where exactly does one find all these solid, faithful Christian two parent homes?  They aren't exactly stepping up to the plate around where I live, unless of course we are talking about a perfectly healthy Caucasian baby from a healthy drug/alcohol free college educated birth mother. 

"A single mother who keeps her baby is quite often denying that baby the father that God wants for that baby, and every baby, to have." So what happens when a woman from this solid, faithful Christian home is widowed, is she to give up her children then? Are we to assume that there are no divorces in the Christian church?  No cheating or abusive husbands that a woman may leave?  Isn't God our real true father anyway?  I adopted my children as a single mother, there weren't any married Christian couples lining up to adopt three special needs boys. Would it have been preferable to let them sit in foster care till they turned 18?  Furthermore, even if a "father" would have stepped up to take in the boys, it would not have been a preferable placement.  The abuse that my children suffered at the hand of a male figure would have made that bond extremely difficult to form at that time in their lives, trust would have been far fetched to come by further harming their emotional development.

"Furthermore, in most circumstances, keeping the baby circumscribes and forecloses both the mother's and the baby's economic futures in tragic and unfortunate ways." WOW, what a stereotype we have here, the poor single mother.  First every single mother I know is financially comfortable, I cant say the same for many married couples I am in contact with.  I would also assume that for most single mothers who are "poor" whether or not they keep the baby they will still be "poor".  Just because someone is poor does not mean they cant be a good parent and provide for their child.  Splitting up a mother and child merely because the finances aren't ideal is astronomically wrong and un-Christian in my view. Can you imagine Jesus saying to a hungry mother and child, here let me help you by taking your child and giving it to this couple over here?  NO, he would feed and clothe them, shower them with unconditional love, invite them into his family.  There are MANY solid, faithful Christian homes whose finances are in dire straights, going into debt to have the nicest car on the block or traveling to Disney world when they can't afford it.  There are also those who have managed their finances well but been hit with an unexpected job loss or medical issues putting their financial future in jeopardy.   Economic futures should not be anywhere near this conversation!

"If the mother is doing what is best for her baby (one of the defining marks of maternal love), she will part with her baby so that it will have the future God intended for him or her to have." Who are you to tell God what future he has planned??  Doesn't God use people from all walks of life, all socio-economic classes for his good?  I for one can tell you that the marks of God working in my boys lives leading them to be with me, a single mother, are ALL over our story.  I have no doubt this is the future God intended for them to have.  If God wanted a husband/father in these single mothers lives, or wants the child raised in a solid faithful Christian home, couldn't he easily make that happen right where the child is at?  Couldn't the struggles a single mother family have be exactly what that child needed in order to learn/develop/experience what God needed them to so he could use them in the way he needed them??  Someone should let  Jackie Robinson, Whoopi Goldberg, President Barack Obama, Angelina Jolie, and Tom Cruise know this wasn't the future God had planned for them, being raised by single moms and all.

"The Old Testament story of the two harlots who both had babies and one died in the night comes to mind (1Kings 3). Both women claimed the surviving baby was their child and wanted the king to give the baby to them. King Solomon decided to have the baby divided in two and each be given half. Immediately, the real mother told the king to give the baby to the other woman in order to save the child's life. In other words, she was thinking of the child's best interest, not her own." Ah yes, lets talk about the King Solomon story,  I seem to recall that in the end of that story King Solomon gave the child to the "real" mom, a prostitute nevertheless! Furthermore, King Solomon gave the women a choice and that is what Adoption is all about.  A loving mother making a choice for her baby.  As Christians I believe it is our calling to support a birth mother in that choice, whatever it may be, to show her love and compassion in a difficult time.  Let's all get behind that Dr. Land.  If we as Christians all did that, love and support without judgment, wouldn't that be a testament to each of those people of God's love?

Another poster on facebook had a brilliant idea:

"SINGLE MOMS- Do everyone a huge favor and bless Dr. Richard Land this Christmas with a photo card of your family. Because we can't peel the podium away from this misguided soul, tell him to stick a stocking in it, or take away his megaphone, we'll just have to counter his foolish and uninformed talk with proof. READ the article, PICK UP your jaw off the floor, put a STAMP on your Christmas card, and MAIL it here:

Dr. Richard Land
3000 Tilley Morris Road
Matthews, NC 28105

Feel free to include a sweet note or yummy cookies. Or not. But at least send the photo card of your SINGLE MOM FAMILY! Now! Get on it!"

I will be sending my card out this month, that is if I can afford cards since my economic future is tragic and unfortunate :)

How annoyed am I??

Found this old post that I never published from 2010 a week after the boys got here ;). I'm so looking forward to a new placement!



VERY!!  Everyone is sound asleep.....that is everyone but ME! 

The boys are all here and cute as can be :)  Baby R is sound asleep next to me in the pack and play.  There was a brief attempt to move him to the crib, followed by the quick lesson of the day-  Do not move the sleeping baby!  If baby falls asleep downstairs you leave baby asleep downstairs and set up shop on the couch for the night :) 

Boys bedtime at the relative placement 10:00, Boys bedtime at my house 7:30 for Little W, 8:30 for Big E.  Seemed to go well and no one noticed the change.  Baby R fell asleep at 6 and has woken up twice so far for about 10 minutes each time- not too bad for an 8 week old.

Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-up Intervention

 

Our Therapy 101 series helps introduce various therapies, interventions, and treatments relevant to foster care and adoption issues.

 

Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-up Intervention (ABC)

 

 

I can't remember how I initially came across this intervention, but I am SO excited about it's possibilities in the foster/adopt world.  Even better the studies and training are based out of University of Delaware which is not too far from me.  Ill be keeping my eyes out to see if there is ever an opportunity for me to go and learn more!

 

 

"The Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-up (ABC) intervention was developed by Dr. Mary Dozier to help caregivers provide nurturing care and engage in synchronous interactions with their infants. Young children who have experienced early maltreatment and/or disruptions in care can often behave in ways that push caregivers away. ABC helps caregivers re-interpret children's behavioral signals so that they provide nurturance even when it is not elicited. Nurturance does not come naturally to many caregivers, but children who have experienced early adversity especially need nurturing care. Additionally, many children who have experienced early adversity are dysregulated behaviorally and biologically. ABC helps caregivers provide a responsive, predictable environment that enhances young children's behavioral and regulatory capabilities. Parent coaches encourage caregivers to follow their children’s lead with delight. 

 

Sessions are implemented by parent coaches who provide parenting training in the parent’s home for weekly one-hour sessions over a period of 10 weeks. Caregivers and the identified child (between ages 6 months and 2 years) must be at all sessions. Other family members, partners, and children are welcome to attend. Although session content is guided by a manual, the parent coach’s primary role is to provide ‘‘in the moment’’ feed back about the parent’s interactions with his or her child. Throughout all sessions, the parent coach observes the parent’s behavior and makes comments on behaviors that relate to the intervention targets. This frequent  “in the moment” feedback focuses attention on the target behaviors, which is expected to enhance the parent’s understanding of the content and support the parent in practicing the target behaviors. Along with “in the moment” comments, parent coaches provide video feedback to highlight parents’ strengths, challenge weaknesses, and celebrate changes in behaviors."

Check it out at:

http://www.infantcaregiverproject.com/#!

 

 

So your kid draws a scary picture.....

Here's the picture I found this morning on our coffee table:

This was MY interpretation:
In the top left corner is a boy scribbled over in black, he has an arrow next to his feet pointing to a heart and breathing fire onto the house.  I interpreted this to be Matthew burning the house down and not having a heart.  At the bottom of the house is a boy smiling holding a bloody knife, which I interpreted as Matthew.  There are three ghosts with stabbed hearts in the house which appear to be throwing up blood, I interpreted this to be myself and Matthews two brothers.

I started freaking out......I contacted some of my other Moms who get "it" and they calmed me down.  They told me to take a breath and just ask him to tell me about the picture when he gets home.  Don't react, thank him for sharing his feelings with me and keep the conversation open.

So tonight after Matthew and I played a few rounds of Speed, I pulled out the picture and asked him to tell me what was happening in the story.

Here is the explanation:
There was a Halloween drawing contest at school. He drew this picture of a black crow shooting lava at a house.  The good guy is going into the house to kill the evil vampire ghosts.  The ghost have broken hearts because they asked a girl out and she said no.  He didn't win the contest, another kid who had a picture of evil zombies won.  He was pretty mad he didn't win.

I totally overreacted,  MY PTSD took over, LOL.

Let this be a lesson for you, don't freak out till you get all the facts :)

25 days of purposeful LOVE

As Thanksgiving comes to a close and we enter the Christmas season,  I am finding my "therapeuticness" is being tested more and I'm failing miserabley!  When my boys are excited their behavior goes downhill fast, when you throw in the excitement if the hilidays with all the trauma history holidays bring up it is a disaster.  When my stress level is up u loose my temper quickly, my patience is minimal and I ten to blow small behavioral incidents into massive ones.  Something has to change this holiday season and its gonna have to start with me!

Here's my goals for this holiday season, will you join me in one or all of them?

25 books to read this month:  For the last few Christmases I have tried to wrap up 25 Christmas books and read one each night.  Any time I find a Christmas Book at Goodwill I grab it and put it in my stash.  I have yet to actually make it through all 25 days!  Inevitably an evening starts going downhill, I get frustrated and send everyone to bed without the story.  This year I am going to do it!!  There is nothing they can do to loose the story, I am going to remain calm and patient and read that story as if my life depended on it :)

25 games played this month:  Matthew loves card games of any kind, he usually waits till the end of the night when I am drop dead tired and then starts begging me to play.  I end up denying him way to much cause I'm tired and worn out from the days activities.  This month I am going to play a game every day.  Ill try and play earlier in the day so I'm not too tired to do it and I will try to ask him to play instead of the other way around :)

25 crafts this month: As you probably already know from my Art Therapy Thursday posts, my kids LOVE crafts. My goal is to get at least 25 crafts done this month with them!  I'm sure Ill be sharing them on Art Therapy Thursdays!

25 meals eaten together this month: I love the idea of eating together, but in all honesty what happens is I get everybody everything and by the time I sit down to eat they are all done.  Nobody is getting up from the dinner table till we are ALL done. 
 

25 hugs per week: James is anxiously attached he has a constant desire for hugs.  I usually require him to ask first because of boundary issues and personal space issues he has.  I am not a touchy feely person, I generally don't like hugs all that much!  BUT this month I am making myself initiate hugs at least 25 times per week!  This morning I came down and asked everyone for a morning hug.  Afterwards, James says, "We should do this every morning Mommy, have a morning hug right when you come down!"  He was so excited.  How can you say No to a cute face like that!
 

25 minutes of family time a night: This could be reading the book, making the craft or playing the game, but it has to be ALL of us spending time without electronic distractions!


Any takers?  Ill keep you updated on how it goes for me!  Follow me on Facebook and let me know what you will be doing this holiday season to connect with your difficult kiddos! (Click the facebook badge on the right to follow me on FB).