Last Minute Stocking Stuffers

 

Here is a simple last minute stocking stuffer you can print up tonight!!

 

Just click on the picture and save it, then print it and cut out the coupons :)

Don't let RAD steal YOUR joy this Christmas.

I've heard a lot of talk this week about RAD kiddos and Christmas presents.  Parents at the end of their ropes contemplating not giving any presents or leaving a note from Santa saying their behaviors don't warrant the presents they wanted, but here's some socks.

Do I get this?  100%, in fact I have stared at the Nintendo DS box wrapped up under the tree every morning and contemplated taking it away.  My son has been particularly challenging and I have been particularly annoyed and irritated by his behavior.  Does he "deserve" the Nintendo DS?  Absolutely not! 

I could go into a diatribe about how Christmas isn't about deserving presents and Gods love has covered us despite our sinful nature, so shouldn't we also put aside our kids "sins" and show them love this Christmas.  I could, but I won't, this year I want you to stop and think about yourself on Christmas not your child.  

As parents of special needs kids we've given up a lot of "normal".  Our holidays are often stressful as we hyper-vigilantly plan out every minute.  We don't get to sit around the adult table and converse with friends and family as our kids play nicely in the next room, we are stuck watching our child like a hawk trying to put out fires before they are started, all the while holding our breath waiting for the next crisis.  If we do get a chance to talk with adults we end up listening to others critique our parenting or telling us that 'boys will be boys' or 'oh my kid does that, it's normal'.  Worse yet we hear about all of the perfect kids the other adults have as our son waters the plants with pee.
 

We've already lost so much at the holidays, do we really want to lose presents too?  The rest of the day may totally suck, the kids will be ungrateful and unappreciative.  They may break the very thing you bought them and that they wanted so badly.  BUT before all that there is a moment where they are excited and happy, truly happy.  It may only be a second, but YOU did that.  That happiness you see, the twinkle in their eye, it's not there often is it? That smile is what "normal" parents live for, and YOU have given that to them.   This year on Christmas morning I want you to take that moment, however brief it is, and cherish it, because you brought joy to an often joyless child.  YOU had a moment where you felt like a "good" parent, a "normal" parent enjoying their kids happiness on Christmas.

What will you get for YOU if you take away the presents?  Your child will NOT learn a lesson, there is no logic or cause and effect thinking with attachment disorders.  Your child will not remember this next time and say "Hmmm...last year I misbehaved and didn't get any presents, by golly this year I'm going to behave so I can have what I want."  Not. going. to. happen.  Likely the lack of presents or a note will only solidify what they feel inside, worthless, bad, un-loveable.  They will take that feeling and run with it the rest of the day their years.  You can guarantee a raging tantruming melt down  will be had, ruining not only their day but certainly YOUR day, cause you will now spend your Christmas trying to contain a crisis and keep everyone safe. 

Why do that to yourself on Christmas?  Sure you may have a moment of satisfaction, a moment of "See what happens when you don't behave!  See what happens when you treat me like crap, the one person who pours out their heart and soul to help you every single day!".  But is it worth it?  I for one would much rather have the fleeting moment of joy in my child's eyes then that moment of satisfaction.  A moment that in reality continues to make me feel like crap, a crappy mom who cant even enjoy Christmas with her kids, a crappy mom who can't help this child, a crappy mom who will never be enough.  This year I am going to be enough for me and enough for my kid.  I'm going to watch him open that Nintendo DS and see the quick twinkle of his eye however brief it may be.....and Ill hold on to that twinkle and remember it when he breaks this Nintendo DS (just like he broke the last three**! LOL).


***To my oldest son's credit the third DS was dropped in the toilet by his younger brother (he also has attachment issues) who thought peeing and playing at the same time sounded like a GREAT idea ;)

 

ENJOY YOUR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR MOMMAS, DO IT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Christmas Challege Week 2 and a Great "Date"

We are still trucking along with our Christmas Challenge.  I did MUCH better at getting hugs in this week.  Matthew still pretends to resist physical contact but it is clear he needs and enjoys getting hugs.  I had a babysitter coming to the house on Friday night and no real plans on what to do, so I took Matthew out for a Mommy and Me date.  We had a great time.  We went to a movie and then over to Dave and Busters for dinner and games.  He really is such a great kid!  I am constantly amazed at how far he has come.

Balancing Openness in Adoptions for kids who suffered Early Childhood Trauma

The other night Matthew and I were watching "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" on TV.  As riveting as the movie is, I was scrolling through face book at the same time.  I ran across a post from Matthew's birthmom that she was watching "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."  Three years ago I would have just kept scrolling.  Three years ago I wouldn't have wanted to deal with the fall out from mentioning his birthmom.  I figured it would be best to just ignore it, he doesn't bring her up, so why push the issue. 

What I have realized over the last three years is that even though he doesn't bring it up or talk about her, there is still a connection.  It doesn't matter if that connection is rooted in trauma and hurt, it is there deep within his heart.  That connection can grow in his heart towards resentment and confusion, anger and guilt if left alone to fester without guidance.  If the fall out isn't dealt with now while he is young and can be guided, imagine how large that dark stain on his soul will grow.  Trauma like that when not dealt with is not easily contained when we are adults.

So I shared with him that his birthmom was watching the same thing right now.  He was giddy and excited that evening, it grew to a manic episode over the next few days.  BUT it was manageable, contained.  We discussed big feelings and holidays and missing birthfamilies.  We discussed that it is okay to be mad and sad and happy and curious and all the things that come with adoption and trauma, but it is not okay to hurt others, to be defiant and disrespectful, to be unkind and unfun to be around.  We discussed that he has all the tools he needs to handle his emotions, to sit with them and feel them, acknowledge them, and to be okay.

Three years ago I would have kept scrolling, today I relish the chance to practice everything we have learned, to look at how far we have come, to appreciate the fact that despite everything his birthmom will always be connected to him and love him even if she wasn't able to keep him safe. 

Balancing openness in adoptions with kids who have suffered early childhood trauma is difficult, but worth it.

Christmas Challenge: Week 1

December 1st-  I got in my hugs with Joel and James, but not with Matthew! Ill have to work harder on his hugs tomorrow :)  We read "The 12 days of Christmas" and did a craft together followed by a family dinner. It may have all taken place around the coffee table BUT we did it!  After I got everyone to bed Matthew and I played Speed and I didn't even cop out after a couple rounds, I played all the way through,

December 2nd- seriously it's the second day and I'm already failing miserably at this hug thing, ugh, it's just not something that comes naturally to me and I don't think about doing it!  I did eat together and read the book.  We did some drawing together as a family.  BUT I'm most proud about the fact that despite Matthew pushing my buttons I still played the game with him.  I SO wanted to just leave him in his room, but I called him down and played for awhile!  Now hugs tomorrow.....I can do this!

December 3rd-  I did pretty good on hugs today!  Got in 5 with each of the boys!  Did our book and ate together, we didn't have time for a craft since it is the mobile therapist night.

December 4th-We read our book and ate our dinner together.  I played a game with Matthew, he didn't like loosing and began yelling that I was a cheater....things went downhill from there.  BUT I did eventually get him to his room so we could both calm down.  He came down a little later and apologized, we had a good talk so I guess it was a win!

December 5th- Got in some hugs today, played several games.  Of course Matthew had yet another blow out for not winning the game which resulted in him breaking the security/video camera upstairs....he is still up there dysregulated, but not breaking anything so Im taking a minute!  We had dinner together and illustrated a story we made.

December 6th- It was a busy day today and we had a rough morning, but we got everything in!

December 7th- I may or may not have just hugged my kids 20 times in a row to get in my hugs this week, LOL.  I am going to do better next week, I have to do better!  Everything else went pretty smoothly this week, despite Matthew really working on sabotaging the games.  2 more weeks to go :)

25 days of purposeful LOVE

As Thanksgiving comes to a close and we enter the Christmas season,  I am finding my "therapeuticness" is being tested more and I'm failing miserabley!  When my boys are excited their behavior goes downhill fast, when you throw in the excitement if the hilidays with all the trauma history holidays bring up it is a disaster.  When my stress level is up u loose my temper quickly, my patience is minimal and I ten to blow small behavioral incidents into massive ones.  Something has to change this holiday season and its gonna have to start with me!

Here's my goals for this holiday season, will you join me in one or all of them?

25 books to read this month:  For the last few Christmases I have tried to wrap up 25 Christmas books and read one each night.  Any time I find a Christmas Book at Goodwill I grab it and put it in my stash.  I have yet to actually make it through all 25 days!  Inevitably an evening starts going downhill, I get frustrated and send everyone to bed without the story.  This year I am going to do it!!  There is nothing they can do to loose the story, I am going to remain calm and patient and read that story as if my life depended on it :)

25 games played this month:  Matthew loves card games of any kind, he usually waits till the end of the night when I am drop dead tired and then starts begging me to play.  I end up denying him way to much cause I'm tired and worn out from the days activities.  This month I am going to play a game every day.  Ill try and play earlier in the day so I'm not too tired to do it and I will try to ask him to play instead of the other way around :)

25 crafts this month: As you probably already know from my Art Therapy Thursday posts, my kids LOVE crafts. My goal is to get at least 25 crafts done this month with them!  I'm sure Ill be sharing them on Art Therapy Thursdays!

25 meals eaten together this month: I love the idea of eating together, but in all honesty what happens is I get everybody everything and by the time I sit down to eat they are all done.  Nobody is getting up from the dinner table till we are ALL done. 
 

25 hugs per week: James is anxiously attached he has a constant desire for hugs.  I usually require him to ask first because of boundary issues and personal space issues he has.  I am not a touchy feely person, I generally don't like hugs all that much!  BUT this month I am making myself initiate hugs at least 25 times per week!  This morning I came down and asked everyone for a morning hug.  Afterwards, James says, "We should do this every morning Mommy, have a morning hug right when you come down!"  He was so excited.  How can you say No to a cute face like that!
 

25 minutes of family time a night: This could be reading the book, making the craft or playing the game, but it has to be ALL of us spending time without electronic distractions!


Any takers?  Ill keep you updated on how it goes for me!  Follow me on Facebook and let me know what you will be doing this holiday season to connect with your difficult kiddos! (Click the facebook badge on the right to follow me on FB).

 

Getting ready for Christmas...one day at a time.

We spent the morning decorating our tree, putting up the ornaments and hanging Christmas things around the house.  Other than a few broken ornaments as we were hanging them, things went relatively well.  After the decorating was a different story!  Matthew somehow thought it would be a good idea to chase his brothers around and throw a glass ornament at them.  This of course resulted in chards of glass ALL over the living room, in blankets, in the carpet, all over the coffee table and stacks of papers.  James of course proceeds to run through the broken glass to tell me resulting in bleeding feet.  Then Matthew began the lying, he didn't do it, nobody did it, the dog did it, Joel did it...blah, blah, blah.  I have to admit this one pushed me over the edge, we had JUST gone through what a pain it is to clean up the broken ornaments when we were decorating the tree. We had JUST gone over the fact that the broken ornaments can hurt somebody.  For goodness sakes you are almost nine years old, don't throw crap!!!!!!! 

Deep breaths momma, deep breaths.......

Ok onto our gift giving this year.  I am not going overboard this year.  For the first few years the boys were home I bought tons of stuff, partly because it was fun and partly because of the guilt factor of all the crappy Christmases they had before me.  However, they don't take care of their stuff, they don't appreciate anything, and it just ends up being a total waste.  This year I am only buying four things each:  Something they Want, Something they Need, Something to Wear, and Something to Read.

Something they Want:  I told them I was only buying one fun present/toy each.  Surprisingly so far they have been totally fine with it, maybe it will hit them on Christmas, but I'm sure they will get tons of fun stuff from my family.  They each have put in their requests.  Matthew wants a new Nintendo DS, but this would be his 5th DS in three years.  I happened to have found the extended warranty I purchased on his last one, so I just shipped it off to be fixed for him...shhhh, don't tell him!  I will be "giving" it to him for Christmas with the new Pokémon X game I bought at GameStop (It was used so I saved 20 bucks and the man shrink wrapped it for me so it looks new!) and the Pokémon 'skin' to put on his DS.  James wanted BeyBlade stuff which I had found a bunch of on clearance last summer and Joel wanted drums, so I ordered a VTech drumset off Amazon.

Something they Need:  There really isn't anything the boys "need", so I decided to get them lessons/memberships for this category.  Matthew is getting a family Zoo Membership, James is getting a online subscription to ABC Mouse, and Joel is getting ice skating lessons.

Something to Wear:  I hit up Gap's Black Friday sale of 50% off everything and got Matthew a new sweatshirt and James and Joel got new super hero sweaters.

Something to Read:  I have been on the look out for really nice hard cover new or like new books at goodwill.  You cant beat it at .50 a book!!  I have found some REALLY nice classic new hardcover books for each of the boys this year.  I even found a couple of series of books for Matthew that he has been wanting.  I splurged and bought the new Diary of a Wimpy kid book for Matthew.  He has been reading like crazy lately and that makes a momma proud!

Christmas Eve we always get new pajamas and a movie and of course there will be the stockings on Christmas morning.  This year I have some dollar store items and will be getting gift cards for fast food places for the stockings.

Now I just have to stick to my guns and not buy all the good deals I see :)

Gingerbread Man Feelings

THE GINGERBREAD MAN:  FEELINGS ACTIVITY 

I saw a Youtube video that had something similar to this, but we adapted it to discuss how Matthew's big "mad" feeling covers up the true feelings he may be having and how its had to determine what the true feelings are when we let the big feelings take over.

1. I started by taking a piece of brown construction paper and drawing two gingerbread man shapes on it for Matthew to cut out.

2.  Once we had the gingerbread man cut out, I asked Matthew to tell me some feelings.  He told me happy, sad, and mad.  Later on in the activity he also brought up worried.  He seems to be able to identify feelings when asked but still has a difficult time identifying anything other than mad in real life situations.

3.  I told him I wanted to start with sad and asked him what color he thought sad was, he picked blue.  I asked him where in his body he felt it when he was sad.  He immediately said his legs.  I asked him what happened to his legs when he felt sad and he told me they felt tired.  WOW!!  I never even thought about that but so true!  I told him I felt sad in my heart, so we drew sad on our gingerbread man.

 4.  We did the same thing with happy and scared.  You could add other emotions in but we are still working on the basics!

 5.  When we got to mad I told him that when I feel mad it makes my whole body mad.  I had him show me what it looks lie to be mad (he is a pro at this :) ).  We talked about how often times that mad feeling covers up the real feeling we are having underneath and it is so hard to figure out the real feeling if we let the mad cover it up.  Then we drew mad covering everything up.

 6.  We talked about things we can do when we feel mad, such as breathing, taking time in our room, reading a book, doing a puzzle, etc.

 7.  Then we turned the gingerbread over and decorated the other sides however we wanted to and hung them on the tree!

I also love Christine Moers video on Feelings for our kiddos!