Child Listing

I just received a child listing for a sibling group of 4, the youngest has Down Syndrome, there are two girls and an older boy close to Matthews age....it would be my dream placement.  BUT that would be crazy right?!  Im going to send my homestudy but am thinking of also sending along some kind of persuasive letter that even though I am a single mother of three I could TOTALLY rock this gig as a single mom to 7.  Any ideas on how to convince a social worker of that, lol????  Im not the best writer, seriously feel free to comment away on what you would say......

Open Adoptions in Foster Care: My Unsolicited Advice and Recommendations when writing Open Adoption Agreements

Let me start with a caveat that each child, family, and situation is SO unique!  I'm going to be painting my broad brush here based on my own personal experiences and people I know trying to balance this difficult aspect of foster care adoption.  Ultimately you have to do what is right for your child, you may make mistakes along the way.  The important thing is to keep the lines of communication between you and your child open.  The older they get the more you will be able to discuss with them what they want/need or are comfortable with.  There are NO right/wrong ways to handle this situation.

If you can avoid a written open adoption agreement with foster care adoptions I would.  Some states these agreements are enforceable, others are not.  My reasons for trying to avoid them are many, given the facts surrounding most foster care cases you are not dealing with a typical birth family dynamic.  It is likely that things will drastically change, could be for the better or worse who knows.  I think the written agreement often sets up all parties for failure.   Birth parents often end up feeling like the adoptive parent has somehow swindled them when it is not honored, even if the adoptive family is doing this in the best interest of the child.  Adoptive families often feel stressed about trying to honor an agreement that was made years ago with a child and birth family that may not be in the same position as they were then.  I think an ideal situation (although maybe slightly utopian thinking on my part) would be both adoptive and birth parents working together to discuss each step along the way and deciding what works best for the child at that time.

If you are going to have a written open adoption agreement, these are the things I would think about including:

Consistency:  I think consistency is one of the most important things to be clear about when we are talking about children who have often not had a stable early life.  Whatever openness is agreed to the birthparents have to be consistent.  Many open adoption agreements make it clear that if the parent does not show up as agreed to visits or calls, the agreement will end.  Think about what consistency your child needs and what will happen if the birthparent is not consistent on their end.

Face to Face Visits/Phone calls:   I would recommend that no visits or phone calls happen for 6months-1 year after the adoption.  I think this gives the adoptive family a chance to bond and form the much needed attachment with each other without all of the hoopla of visits and caseworkers.  I could certainly see situations where this wasn't necessary, but for me this would be important.  My kids needed to know THIS was permanent, we were a family and nothing was changing that.  After the initial "break" I would recommend starting slow, introducing cards to the child and seeing how they handle that and making sure the birthparent will be consistent with that level of contact and then moving up from there as the child is able.  I think face to face visits for the younger age child needs to be centered around the kiddos likes and interests, allowing them something to "do" rather than a lot of pressure on the meeting itself. The zoo, chuck e cheese, kids museum would all be great options.
 

Drug/alcohol issues:  Even if drug and alcohol issues are not a present concern I would include a caveat in the agreement that this was a deal breaker for direct contact.

Other parties:  I think you need to lay out who else, if anyone, birthparents can bring along.  Will visits include extended family, friends, current boyfriends/girlfriends, other children?

Internet/Photos:  With the increase of facebook, photo sharing and other online mediums think carefully about establishing what boundaries will be set in place.  Some families have a separate facebook account to share pictures information.  Who will have access to that account, can photos be shared by the birthparent, etc.
 

Names:  Lay out who and what everyone will be called right from the beginning.  This will keep people from having feelings hurt or trying to explain different relationships at an already stressful time.  There are so many options for names, you can surely find something everyone is comfortable with.

Whatever you decide to do, above all, I think the focus needs to be on the child.  It can be difficult for adoptive parents and birth parents to put their own wants/needs aside and focus on the kid, but this isn't about us, it is about allowing the child to form a bridge from their past to their future and seeing that everyone supports and loves them.

WHAT OTHER THINGS DID YOU CONSIDER WHEN MAKING AN OPEN ADOPTION AGREEMENT?

 

Openness Part 1

Openness Part 2: Our Story

Business Cards for Questions/Comments when you are Out and About!

Have you ever been out with your brood and gotten questions or comments that you just didn't want to answer or now how to answer, especially with a bunch of kids staring up at you?  I have, which is why I made these business cards that I can hand out when I hear things like, "Don't you know what causes that?" or "Are they all yours?". 

Open Adoptions in Foster Care: Part 2 "Our Story"

Here is our story:

The boys had been going to 2x weekly visitation since they came to me in July.  I had developed a fairly good relationship with mom, dad, and grandma who were at the visits each week, although mom was iffy as to whether she would show up at any given week.  We would meet at the visitation center and have to wait in the waiting room together before and after the visits.  We had our typical awkward situations, like when the boys called me mom or the baby couldn't be consoled by anyone but myself.  I worked really hard at keeping them in the loop as to what the boys were doing and showing I respected their role as these children's family.  I went into those visit days like I was merely a babysitter, I kept my distance when the baby cried, I redirected the boys back to their parents when they came over to me,  I asked questions about what they boys liked and didn't like (even though I already knew and the answers I was given were wrong).   It was difficult to put up those barriers and then after the visit go back to our own little world, our own little family.

When it was becoming apparent that my boys case was heading toward TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) and there would be no turning back things started to get REAL.  Those weeks before the trial date were a roller coaster for sure.  My feelings of wanting to claim the boys as my own grew and the fear that if TPR was lost they would be gone forever began to cripple me with fear.  Keeping the emotions out of visits became harder and harder.  I had a feeling that birth mom was in denial, there was no discussion of anything at visits, they were acting as if this was not happening, still telling the boys they were coming home.  The caseworker was telling me that mom was not going to sign her rights away,  that the trial was going forward.  

One week before TPR, mom said to me after a visit "If you adopt the boys will you still let me see them?"  My heart stopped, I had run through the possibilities endless times and yet I could not formulate any thoughts.  I responded that we would need to sit down and discuss what that would look like, that she should talk to her attorney and see if we could discuss something. I went home and made pros and cons lists.  I wanted some level of openness, but how much was I really comfortable with, and more importantly how much would my children want.  You see, there was no real attachment or bond with mom and my children.  They didn't ask about her, they were indifferent to visits, the signs of attachment disorder were there from the beginning that first day I met them and they asked to call me mom.  They had suffered some severe trauma, abuse, neglect all while under the protection of their mother, the woman who was supposed to do anything to keep them safe.  They were never put first, their needs always coming in last after whoever mom was dating at the time.  Despite all of that, I actually kind of liked mom, I saw that she loved the boys the best she knew how.  She was stuck in a cycle that had repeated itself for generations, this was normal for her, she was never shown another way.  I also knew that despite the boys current attachment difficulties this person was a vital part of their story, they would have questions, they would want to know more.  their life.  At this point I was so concerned with losing them forever, I would have agreed to anything!

I sat down that evening with my "list of demands" if you will.  Above all I wanted stability for my children, I wanted her in their lives, but that meant she had to BE there for them.  This wasn't about me or her, they were the only thing that mattered in this decision.  I never got to have that discussion with mom.  The week passed and nobody called to set up a meeting.  The day of the TPR I went to the courthouse expecting a trial.  Five minutes before the trial mom and dad decided to sign away their rights if I agreed to adopt the boys. It was a confusing day with every emotion you could think of hitting me all at once.  To be honest there was relief, not just at the fact that I knew the boys were staying with me forever, but relief that I could cut them out of our lives and not feel guilty about it since I hadn't agreed to anything.  Looking back that relief grew out of insecurity and fear.  Matthews therapist and I discussed with him what this meant, that he would be seeing mom one more time at a goodbye visit and then he would not see her anymore.  Matthews therapist was adamant about him not seeing her again and so I agreed, she must know what is best right?! 

It was done, it was all over, we could go on with our life as if none of this awfulness ever happened.  We could pretend that we were a happy family, not a family scarred by early childhood trauma and attachment issues.  At least that is what my delusional self told me.  As the next week unfolded and the emotions settled in it just didn't feel right.  It didn't seem to be in the realm of possibilities or even fair for me to make the decision to cut her out of their lives. So as the Goodbye Visit approached I prepared a photo of the boys with a PO Box and email address written on the back.  The boys had their visit, things happened that were inappropriate and damaging.  But I figured we wouldn't have to see them anymore.  Maybe we would communicate with the token pictures and yearly updates and that would be enough.

Two days later, mom, dad, grandmom, and 3 aunts showed up to Matthew's baseball game.  Imagine my surprise, horror, and overwhelming gripping fear when I walked up to the stands and saw them running our way. There were no caseworkers or police officers present like there was at the visitation center, it was just us and I was sorely outnumbered.  Then a surprising thing happened, we all just sat around and watched the game.  As if nothing had happened, we sat together like we were friends or family and just watched Matthew play.  Don't get me wrong I felt slightly awkward, but they welcomed me with open arms, they were grateful and loving.  I was dumbfounded and confused and kind of having a good time.  Maybe this could all work out, maybe we would be the poster family for open adoptions in foster care.

My son didn't handle the surprise visit well, in fact shortly afterwards he was admitted for inpatient psychiatric care for a week due to his threats of self-harm.  I realized then that the decision to see her was not about me and what I wanted or wanted for him.  The decision wasn't about what mom wanted or needed.  This decision had to solely be about what was best for my children, what they wanted and what they needed in order to be at peace with their history. My responsibility was to my children. 

For the first year after the adoption I didn't hear from anyone, other than one birthday present sent to one of the three kids.  I found mom on facebook and added her the Christmas following the adoption.   I have kept in contact with mom, we message each other often, although her communication is sporadic and coincides with her relationship status.  I will occasionally mention something to Matthew about being in contact with his birthmom, he still has difficulty handling that information appropriately.  Mom has asked to see them, and although I would love to have that happen, I don't think we are at a place of healing yet to make that healthy.   Mom responded in an understanding and selfless manner, characteristics that I didn't see during the time the boys were in foster care.  I hope that one day we can expand our openness to visits, for now we both continue to share in the joys of OUR children through face book.

 

 

Openness Part 1

Openness Part 2: Our Story
Openness Part 3:  Writing an open adoption agreement

National Adoption Month Giveaway: Looking Back on our Journey

November is National Adoption Month, in case you hadn't already picked up on that from all the cute and sappy adoption storylines and promos on TV :)  I have to admit watching the Disney Channel this morning with my kids about had me in tears between the "Gotcha Day" storyline on Jesse and the commercial about a former foster (now adopted) child who created an organization to give back to foster kids.  I'm an emotional hot mess over here, not only because it is National Adoption Month, but because I had the privilege of adopting my three boys two years ago today! We are entering our third year as a official family and technically fourth year if we count from the time they were placed with me as a foster placement.  It has been such a journey, filled with ups and downs, ins and outs. So much has changed since I started this blog and I have learned so much.  When I look back to over the last several years I realize this whole foster care and adoption thing was and is so different than I expected it to be.  I had originally said I wanted a girl 0-2 years old, I originally thought I would end up fostering for a long time and have many placements before I ever got to adopt, I naively thought that love and stability would conquer all the trauma that kids would come to my home with.  Instead I got three boys (5,2, and 7 weeks at the time),  they were my first placement and ended up going to adoption within a year, and despite love and stability the trauma they endured impacts our lives daily.  Although this journey has blessed me beyond belief and pushed me to limits I never knew existed the one benefit that I never saw coming is the connections I have made in the adoption community.  I have met people online and in real life, all across the country (and Canada!), who share this deep connection and bond that adoption brings.  I have traveled for hours in a car to meet up with other families whose children struggle with early childhood trauma and attachment.  Despite our differences in religion, ethnicity, culture, sexuality, beliefs, food preferences we connect.  Even more importantly our kids connect and understand each other without having to explain their background or stories.  I never would have imagined that this road of foster care and adoption would have brought me so many connections, friends, and love.  I've had to change everything I ever thought I knew about parenting along this journey, thankfully the boys are very forgiving of my epic failures!  Four years ago I was in over my head struggling to figure it all out, trauma, attachment, case workers, visits.  If you would have told me then that things were all going to turn out okay, I would have laughed!  Not only did we make it through, but we have all become better, stronger, and wiser.  So much so that we are all excited to do it again....hmmm maybe were not wiser after all :)

Im so excited to have teamed up with some other AWESOME foster and adopted mommas to offer you a $60 blog hop giveaway.  All month long different bloggers will be featured discussing adoption for National Adoption Month and offering tons of opportunities to enter the giveaway!
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Call me back....I found you a baby!

One of my good friends just sent me a message, "Call me....I think found you a baby?!"  Of course she didn't answer when I called her back, LOL!  I'm sure it wont amount to anything, but of course I'm now sitting here daydreaming.  You see I have always really wanted to adopt a baby or younger child with Down Syndrome.  This friend of mine has the most adorable little boy that brings joy to everyone around him with a simple smile.  I have known several families throughout my life who have been blessed to raise children with Down Syndrome.  I would just about have a heart attack if I was chosen to raise a precious child with Down Syndrome......

Adoption fundraising letters

Have you seen these pleas for money to adopt kids on all the social media outlets lately? Its come up in several groups I belong to and it bothers me immensely! I'm not exactly sure why it bothers me so much.  Maybe its the sense of entitlement, like just because you want something I should pay for it?  Maybe its the fact that if you wanted a child that badly and didn't have the funds to pay for your private domestic adoption of a healthy white baby you could wait till you saved enough or maybe not purchase that daily Starbucks or trade in your brand new car for a clunker like the rest of us.  Maybe its the fact that if you really felt like God was calling you to adopt, maybe he wanted you to adopt the 6 year old African-American boy living the next town over who has been dreaming for a real family his whole life instead of the cute chunky baby.  Maybe I'm just jealous no one forked over a bunch of money for me to foster/adopt?  Who knows, but in light of it I have decided to write my own fundraising letter:

Dear Friends and Family,
I would like to introduce you to a very special little person but I cant due to my agency's privacy rules. He is my child, regardless of whether he stays here an hour or forever. I do not know who will be dropped off at my door yet, but we are so excited to meet him whether at 1:00 PM or 1:00 AM. Im open to adopting him if his parents are unable to safely have him return home, and we need your help to keep our home updated to meet my agencies ridiculous rules and provide room. No words can capture the true joy and excitement we feel as we anticipate the blessing of his presence in our home.

As most of you know, we have continually gone through traumatic experience taking in child after child who had been abused, neglected, and traumatized.  We have bonded with these children only to have them ripped from our hearts at a moment notice, sometimes returned to families who are not prepared or able to keep them safe.  Despite the continuing heartbreak, God has healed us physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and we are so excited to begin this journey again.

We are in the process of looking to purchase a home that can accommodate a large number of children. Due to our constant love and care for children in need our current home has undergone significant damage including pee soaked carpets, burns on floors from fire setting, molding and doors broken, drywall kicked in, permanent door alarms and surveillance cameras and broken windows.  Houses are very expensive, and we would like to invite you to be a part of our foster care/adoption journey by giving financially. The total cost of a new house meeting our needs is $300,000, and we are hoping to raise half of that. We trust that God will provide the funds needed to complete this journey.

Im too busy and exhausted chasing children, filling out forms and reports, waiting for CW to return my phone calls, and dealing with 14 other professionals telling me what to do after visiting 20 minutes a month to do any actual fundraising so just paypal me money at XXXXXXXX

Thank you for taking the time to let us share our journey with you.

Sincerely,

XXXXXX and XXXXX XXXXXX

Inspiration

I've been battling a secret addiction of reading every adoption blog I can get my hands on.....I wonder if there is a Blog Reader Anonymous group I can join! All these blogs have inspired me to write my own, even if just to chronicle this journey for myself and future children.
I watched this movie last night "Gigantic" about a young single guy who had always wanted to adopt a baby from china. It led me to several strange emotions/thoughts:
1. It struck me as off that a young single guy would want to adopt.....then I realized that it is no different then my current situation. So why does that strike me as strange?
2. Why can't I find a young cute guy whose dream in life is to adopt a bunch of kiddos??...Wait I just thought that was an odd dream for a young single guy...oh well :)

At this point in my adoption roller coaster journey, I have just about finished my homestudy (back to that in a minute). I've always wanted to adopt children and for the past few years have wanted to seriously pursue it, in September the training classes finally worked with my schedule and I completed my foster to adopt training through the county. Then came the first aid/cpr classes taught by a dictator of a woman....I'm still having nightmares of her screaming "FLIP THE BABY" during infant cpr! I started the homestudy "interviews" which has really been a frustrating experience. Mostly because I am an organized "Work smarter-not harder" kind of person and clearly my social worker was not! I swear I have answered the same questions numerous times because she doesn't have it in her notes. WELL, you wouldn't have it your yellow notebook there because you brought you laptop last week and a yellow notebook the week before. Oh well I guess its just the introduction of the foster care world as I have read in so may blog and chat rooms. Anyway this past eek as supposed to be my last visit, but I didn't pass the safety audit. Right before Christmas I had a pipe burst in the bathroom and the plumbers had to take down several tiles from the kitchen ceiling to get to all the pipes. Now the ceiling tiles are purely cosmetic, what safety precautions dos the ceiling tile hold?? Anyway the ceiling tiles had to be specially ordered and wont be in for another two weeks, SW won't approve without it. Which makes no sense to me considering no one checks to make sure the fireplace is in working order but those darn ceiling tiles have danger written all over them. Anyway, after all that the SW says her goal is to get my license by April and hopefully a placement shortly after that. Right now my age range is 0-8 and I'm open to pretty much anything with a few exceptions. Given that my background is Special Education I feel like I have the skills and training to work with a variety of disabilities.

While that's all for now, I have some dogs who are dying for a game of fetch and a bite of leftover chicken enchiladas!