Open Adoptions in Foster Care: My Unsolicited Advice and Recommendations when writing Open Adoption Agreements

Let me start with a caveat that each child, family, and situation is SO unique!  I'm going to be painting my broad brush here based on my own personal experiences and people I know trying to balance this difficult aspect of foster care adoption.  Ultimately you have to do what is right for your child, you may make mistakes along the way.  The important thing is to keep the lines of communication between you and your child open.  The older they get the more you will be able to discuss with them what they want/need or are comfortable with.  There are NO right/wrong ways to handle this situation.

If you can avoid a written open adoption agreement with foster care adoptions I would.  Some states these agreements are enforceable, others are not.  My reasons for trying to avoid them are many, given the facts surrounding most foster care cases you are not dealing with a typical birth family dynamic.  It is likely that things will drastically change, could be for the better or worse who knows.  I think the written agreement often sets up all parties for failure.   Birth parents often end up feeling like the adoptive parent has somehow swindled them when it is not honored, even if the adoptive family is doing this in the best interest of the child.  Adoptive families often feel stressed about trying to honor an agreement that was made years ago with a child and birth family that may not be in the same position as they were then.  I think an ideal situation (although maybe slightly utopian thinking on my part) would be both adoptive and birth parents working together to discuss each step along the way and deciding what works best for the child at that time.

If you are going to have a written open adoption agreement, these are the things I would think about including:

Consistency:  I think consistency is one of the most important things to be clear about when we are talking about children who have often not had a stable early life.  Whatever openness is agreed to the birthparents have to be consistent.  Many open adoption agreements make it clear that if the parent does not show up as agreed to visits or calls, the agreement will end.  Think about what consistency your child needs and what will happen if the birthparent is not consistent on their end.

Face to Face Visits/Phone calls:   I would recommend that no visits or phone calls happen for 6months-1 year after the adoption.  I think this gives the adoptive family a chance to bond and form the much needed attachment with each other without all of the hoopla of visits and caseworkers.  I could certainly see situations where this wasn't necessary, but for me this would be important.  My kids needed to know THIS was permanent, we were a family and nothing was changing that.  After the initial "break" I would recommend starting slow, introducing cards to the child and seeing how they handle that and making sure the birthparent will be consistent with that level of contact and then moving up from there as the child is able.  I think face to face visits for the younger age child needs to be centered around the kiddos likes and interests, allowing them something to "do" rather than a lot of pressure on the meeting itself. The zoo, chuck e cheese, kids museum would all be great options.
 

Drug/alcohol issues:  Even if drug and alcohol issues are not a present concern I would include a caveat in the agreement that this was a deal breaker for direct contact.

Other parties:  I think you need to lay out who else, if anyone, birthparents can bring along.  Will visits include extended family, friends, current boyfriends/girlfriends, other children?

Internet/Photos:  With the increase of facebook, photo sharing and other online mediums think carefully about establishing what boundaries will be set in place.  Some families have a separate facebook account to share pictures information.  Who will have access to that account, can photos be shared by the birthparent, etc.
 

Names:  Lay out who and what everyone will be called right from the beginning.  This will keep people from having feelings hurt or trying to explain different relationships at an already stressful time.  There are so many options for names, you can surely find something everyone is comfortable with.

Whatever you decide to do, above all, I think the focus needs to be on the child.  It can be difficult for adoptive parents and birth parents to put their own wants/needs aside and focus on the kid, but this isn't about us, it is about allowing the child to form a bridge from their past to their future and seeing that everyone supports and loves them.

WHAT OTHER THINGS DID YOU CONSIDER WHEN MAKING AN OPEN ADOPTION AGREEMENT?

 

Openness Part 1

Openness Part 2: Our Story

Balancing Openness in Adoptions for kids who suffered Early Childhood Trauma

The other night Matthew and I were watching "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" on TV.  As riveting as the movie is, I was scrolling through face book at the same time.  I ran across a post from Matthew's birthmom that she was watching "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."  Three years ago I would have just kept scrolling.  Three years ago I wouldn't have wanted to deal with the fall out from mentioning his birthmom.  I figured it would be best to just ignore it, he doesn't bring her up, so why push the issue. 

What I have realized over the last three years is that even though he doesn't bring it up or talk about her, there is still a connection.  It doesn't matter if that connection is rooted in trauma and hurt, it is there deep within his heart.  That connection can grow in his heart towards resentment and confusion, anger and guilt if left alone to fester without guidance.  If the fall out isn't dealt with now while he is young and can be guided, imagine how large that dark stain on his soul will grow.  Trauma like that when not dealt with is not easily contained when we are adults.

So I shared with him that his birthmom was watching the same thing right now.  He was giddy and excited that evening, it grew to a manic episode over the next few days.  BUT it was manageable, contained.  We discussed big feelings and holidays and missing birthfamilies.  We discussed that it is okay to be mad and sad and happy and curious and all the things that come with adoption and trauma, but it is not okay to hurt others, to be defiant and disrespectful, to be unkind and unfun to be around.  We discussed that he has all the tools he needs to handle his emotions, to sit with them and feel them, acknowledge them, and to be okay.

Three years ago I would have kept scrolling, today I relish the chance to practice everything we have learned, to look at how far we have come, to appreciate the fact that despite everything his birthmom will always be connected to him and love him even if she wasn't able to keep him safe. 

Balancing openness in adoptions with kids who have suffered early childhood trauma is difficult, but worth it.

Open Adoptions in Foster Care: Part 2 "Our Story"

Here is our story:

The boys had been going to 2x weekly visitation since they came to me in July.  I had developed a fairly good relationship with mom, dad, and grandma who were at the visits each week, although mom was iffy as to whether she would show up at any given week.  We would meet at the visitation center and have to wait in the waiting room together before and after the visits.  We had our typical awkward situations, like when the boys called me mom or the baby couldn't be consoled by anyone but myself.  I worked really hard at keeping them in the loop as to what the boys were doing and showing I respected their role as these children's family.  I went into those visit days like I was merely a babysitter, I kept my distance when the baby cried, I redirected the boys back to their parents when they came over to me,  I asked questions about what they boys liked and didn't like (even though I already knew and the answers I was given were wrong).   It was difficult to put up those barriers and then after the visit go back to our own little world, our own little family.

When it was becoming apparent that my boys case was heading toward TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) and there would be no turning back things started to get REAL.  Those weeks before the trial date were a roller coaster for sure.  My feelings of wanting to claim the boys as my own grew and the fear that if TPR was lost they would be gone forever began to cripple me with fear.  Keeping the emotions out of visits became harder and harder.  I had a feeling that birth mom was in denial, there was no discussion of anything at visits, they were acting as if this was not happening, still telling the boys they were coming home.  The caseworker was telling me that mom was not going to sign her rights away,  that the trial was going forward.  

One week before TPR, mom said to me after a visit "If you adopt the boys will you still let me see them?"  My heart stopped, I had run through the possibilities endless times and yet I could not formulate any thoughts.  I responded that we would need to sit down and discuss what that would look like, that she should talk to her attorney and see if we could discuss something. I went home and made pros and cons lists.  I wanted some level of openness, but how much was I really comfortable with, and more importantly how much would my children want.  You see, there was no real attachment or bond with mom and my children.  They didn't ask about her, they were indifferent to visits, the signs of attachment disorder were there from the beginning that first day I met them and they asked to call me mom.  They had suffered some severe trauma, abuse, neglect all while under the protection of their mother, the woman who was supposed to do anything to keep them safe.  They were never put first, their needs always coming in last after whoever mom was dating at the time.  Despite all of that, I actually kind of liked mom, I saw that she loved the boys the best she knew how.  She was stuck in a cycle that had repeated itself for generations, this was normal for her, she was never shown another way.  I also knew that despite the boys current attachment difficulties this person was a vital part of their story, they would have questions, they would want to know more.  their life.  At this point I was so concerned with losing them forever, I would have agreed to anything!

I sat down that evening with my "list of demands" if you will.  Above all I wanted stability for my children, I wanted her in their lives, but that meant she had to BE there for them.  This wasn't about me or her, they were the only thing that mattered in this decision.  I never got to have that discussion with mom.  The week passed and nobody called to set up a meeting.  The day of the TPR I went to the courthouse expecting a trial.  Five minutes before the trial mom and dad decided to sign away their rights if I agreed to adopt the boys. It was a confusing day with every emotion you could think of hitting me all at once.  To be honest there was relief, not just at the fact that I knew the boys were staying with me forever, but relief that I could cut them out of our lives and not feel guilty about it since I hadn't agreed to anything.  Looking back that relief grew out of insecurity and fear.  Matthews therapist and I discussed with him what this meant, that he would be seeing mom one more time at a goodbye visit and then he would not see her anymore.  Matthews therapist was adamant about him not seeing her again and so I agreed, she must know what is best right?! 

It was done, it was all over, we could go on with our life as if none of this awfulness ever happened.  We could pretend that we were a happy family, not a family scarred by early childhood trauma and attachment issues.  At least that is what my delusional self told me.  As the next week unfolded and the emotions settled in it just didn't feel right.  It didn't seem to be in the realm of possibilities or even fair for me to make the decision to cut her out of their lives. So as the Goodbye Visit approached I prepared a photo of the boys with a PO Box and email address written on the back.  The boys had their visit, things happened that were inappropriate and damaging.  But I figured we wouldn't have to see them anymore.  Maybe we would communicate with the token pictures and yearly updates and that would be enough.

Two days later, mom, dad, grandmom, and 3 aunts showed up to Matthew's baseball game.  Imagine my surprise, horror, and overwhelming gripping fear when I walked up to the stands and saw them running our way. There were no caseworkers or police officers present like there was at the visitation center, it was just us and I was sorely outnumbered.  Then a surprising thing happened, we all just sat around and watched the game.  As if nothing had happened, we sat together like we were friends or family and just watched Matthew play.  Don't get me wrong I felt slightly awkward, but they welcomed me with open arms, they were grateful and loving.  I was dumbfounded and confused and kind of having a good time.  Maybe this could all work out, maybe we would be the poster family for open adoptions in foster care.

My son didn't handle the surprise visit well, in fact shortly afterwards he was admitted for inpatient psychiatric care for a week due to his threats of self-harm.  I realized then that the decision to see her was not about me and what I wanted or wanted for him.  The decision wasn't about what mom wanted or needed.  This decision had to solely be about what was best for my children, what they wanted and what they needed in order to be at peace with their history. My responsibility was to my children. 

For the first year after the adoption I didn't hear from anyone, other than one birthday present sent to one of the three kids.  I found mom on facebook and added her the Christmas following the adoption.   I have kept in contact with mom, we message each other often, although her communication is sporadic and coincides with her relationship status.  I will occasionally mention something to Matthew about being in contact with his birthmom, he still has difficulty handling that information appropriately.  Mom has asked to see them, and although I would love to have that happen, I don't think we are at a place of healing yet to make that healthy.   Mom responded in an understanding and selfless manner, characteristics that I didn't see during the time the boys were in foster care.  I hope that one day we can expand our openness to visits, for now we both continue to share in the joys of OUR children through face book.

 

 

Openness Part 1

Openness Part 2: Our Story
Openness Part 3:  Writing an open adoption agreement

Open Adoptions in Foster Care: Part 1

As research in adoptions has grown over the last few decades so has "openness" in those adoptions. When pursuing the typical private domestic adoption in America the adoption triad (first families/birth families, adoptive parents, and adoptees) are often encouraged to pursue some level of openness going forward.  That openness is a spectrum ranging from pictures or letters sent to the agency and then passed along all the way to accepting and welcoming the birth parent as a member of the family, complete with holidays and babysitting gigs.  Its generally been accepted that in most cases this openness serves as a benefit to the adoptee allowing them to acknowledge and embrace where they came from, provide an outlet to answer the questions they may have, and to know that they are loved and cherished by all the parties of their life story.


But, what about those children who are adopted from foster care.  Their situation proves difficult and unique when discussing openness in their adoption.  The majority of the time their birth families did not make a thoughtful choice rooted in love to find them a forever family.  Instead their birth parents rights were terminated or the parent voluntarily relinquished when it became evident that they were unable to keep the child safe.  These same birth parents who were supposed to love them abused and neglected them causing trauma that has lifelong scars.


How does an adoptive parent balance the need to protect a vulnerable child from those who failed them early in life and the desire to provide their child that connection with their past?


I certainly don't have all the answers!  Each story in the world of foster care adoptions is SO unique, but I can share with you our story.  I hope you join us!  I would love to hear how other families have tackled this unique angle of openness in adoptions, feel free to comment or if you want to share your story in a guest post shoot me an email (see Contact Form on the right).

Openness Part 1

Openness Part 2: Our Story
Openness Part 3:  Writing an open adoption agreement