Sending your child to Respite

I went out of town March 6-10 for the BeTA (Beyond Trauma and Attachment) Annual Retreat, one of the conditions of me taking our latest placement was that they needed to find a respite placement while I am gone.  On such a short notice it is not feasible for me to find any other options. I really hate having him go to respite so soon after placement :(  This is the first time I have ever sent a kid for respite so I'm trying to get everything organized.

I've created a form that can go with your child to respite placements.  It includes all of the relevant information they would need as well as an inventory of items you are sending with them.

FORM TO SEND WITH CHILD TO RESPITE

Respite Drama

So 5 hours after I dropped R1 off back with his foster family, the foster mother is calling me to come back and pick him up.  She "made a mistake taking him back" and wants me to keep him for a few weeks.  At the beginning of the respite I gave her the benefit of the doubt due to the family circumstances that were bringing him into respite in the first place. However, as the week went on things just seemed more and more off with our conversations.  On Saturday she asked if I would be able to keep him the following weekend as well if his therapist didn't want him attending the family function that was being scheduled.  I said I would.  They were supposed to pick him up Sunday evening, she told me "He wants to stay till Monday so Ill just pick him up then".....um asking ME if that was okay might be nice.  When Monday comes she tells me she is going to need me to transport him to her since her husband doesn't drive...although she was there when we dropped him off and she drives, so.....?  When I drop him off she tells him he is coming with me next weekend, which means she didn't really check with his counselor on how to handle this situation, in fact no one had explained to him what the situation even was.  So she goes on to ask me when I can pick him up on Friday.  I ask about his school dismissal time and tell her I can pick him up around 5 after my son gets home on the bus.  She tells me she doesn't need to send him to school and I can come pick him up around 12 from her house.  No, not going to work lady!  Anyway I say I can pick him up directly from school on Friday and bring him home Sunday evening.  I left already feeling like she was taking advantage of me and the situation.  Less than 5 hours later she was calling for me to come get him.  I told her no, there is no way I can get him to and from his school everyday, or the 45 minutes each way to visit and counseling.  On top of that he has a safety plan that I wasn't informed about originally that is really hard for me to follow as a single parent.  I mean line of sight supervision is kinda hard when the only adult in the house would like to take a shower or pee!  I'm really frustrated and feel bad for R1, cant wait to see what happens tomorrow....wonder how long it will take the agency to call me and try and convince me to take him all week?  I don't want to sound cold or heartless to this foster families situation but I went into this round of fostering telling myself I was going to stand up for myself and what I want this time around, not get walked over, and here I am first situation in and already feeling taken advantage of, ugh.

Respite #1

Wednesday:
Our respite placement arrived around 1:30 when his social worker dropped him off.  He had a visit at 4, so we picked up Matthew from school and drove the 45 minutes downtown.  His siblings were there with their foster parent, but the birth parent no showed.  We waited an hour but no one could get a hold of her.  It was my first time in the waiting room, so I got to kind of take in the environment, staff, foster parents, birth parents, etc.  I talked briefly with another foster parent and got a good vibe overall.  R1 (Respite #1) was upset at first but by the time we left the building he had bounced back and wanted to be engrossed in the boys electronics. I don't know how parents made it before these devices, it was a lifesaver sitting in the waiting room for an hour, LOL!  We got home and had some dinner, the boys introduced R1 to Bey Blades.  They have played them nonstop!  The first night R1 took awhile to fall asleep, but laid nicely in his bed otherwise.   Matthew got up around 3am to go to the bathroom and within 2 minutes he had woken everyone up, or he woke James up and told him to go into R1's room and wake him up.  Ugh!  So sent Matthew up to the 3rd floor bedroom and tried to get everyone back to bed.

Thursday:
Snow day today!  I'm stuck in the house with four boys, fun times :) So far R1 has been polite and fitting in with the boys fairly well. Matthew on the other hand is being his usual controlling bossy self, frequently mean and hostile to play mates without realizing his tone and demeaner come across that way.  I continue to call him over and try and point it out, address it, and help him find better ways to talk/play with friends but he just does not seem to be making the connection.  Its even more apparent right now because R1 calls him right out on it and certainly as he gets more comfortable is not letting Matthew control the situation, whereas his younger brothers are usually pretty passive in this regard.  I'm glad to have this experience so I can pinpoint where and how to work on this with Matthew better.  He had a decent melt down in the afternoon.  After Matthew took a little alone time in his room and we discussed again how his behavior, tone of voice and demeanor were causing people to distance themselves from him, he apologized to everyone and seems to get back on track for the rest of the evening.

Friday:
Its Valentines Day here so we had pancakes and heart shaped bacon for breakfast and everyone played hide and seek for a good hour!  Everyone was getting a little snippy today, respite is hard on everyone.  I'm planning on writing about that another day.  We went to the Lego movie tonight, stopped at the dollar store first and let everyone pick out one toy for Valentines and a candy to bring to the movie.  Apparently buying Icee's at the movie makes me the "best foster mom" ever, Ill take it (just don't tell him the Icee was free with purchase of popcorn).  They had a good time and by the time we got home it was bedtime.

Saturday:
Matthew had a melt down today, I could feel it brewing and he finally exploded.  Combination of a change in routine with R1, not enough sleep, hadn't eaten breakfast cause he didn't want to stop playing, and R1 continually calling him out on everything even things he didn't do.  Its become apparent that R1 is pretty similar to Matthew in that he seeks out ways to upset others.  I think this will lead to some good talks next week with Matthew, but for now I got him calmed down and in his room for a little rest time.  It doesn't help that we are all cooped up in the house because of snow.  I think if the boys were able to run off their energy things might be going a little smoother. I talked to R1's foster mom today and the plan is to return him on Monday at lunchtime.  She has asked if he can come back next weekend if they need respite again due to their family situation.  I said we could do it if needed.

Sunday:
Went to church and then Chuck E Cheese today.  R1 is definitely getting more comfortable.  He has been "butting" into my conversations/reprimands with the other kids  and repeating directions in a bossy way.  Hmmmm...sounds like Matthew huh?  LOL, he's definitely very similar.  We went to dinner at Grandma's house.  I found out after the fact that Matthew had thrown all his lasagna under the table on the white rug.  The problem was R1 had eaten everything on his plate and the grandparents were making SUCH a big deal about how he was a great eater.  In fact at one point R1 even looked right at Matthew and taunted, "haha Im getting all the attention".  Of course I just get the phone call about the stain and how "I cant let him get away with these things".  None of which is helpful, Im not sure how he is getting away with anything??  I will address it.  There is just no understanding of the part they play in fueling the fire with Matthew. 

Monday:
We returned R1 on Monday around noon. Matthew had school today as a make up day for the snow despite it being a holiday, so I just had the littles to take along.  We dropped him off and I had a brief conversation with Foster Mom about him coming back this weekend Friday-Sunday.  I didn't get the best feeling from Foster Mom but I'm trying not to judge, they have been through a lot this week.



Thoughts:
I definitely think for long term placements I need a younger kid or girls, cause it was too much for my oldest to handle. Maybe if it was a boy who didn't have so many similar issues it wouldn't have been so triggering.  All in all I'm pretty proud of him and think that this really led to some great conversations.
I need to speak with my boys about giving their stuff away, I LOVE that they had such a giving spirit, but the respite kid continually asked for their stuff and they kept giving it away or asking me if they could give it away...it became exhausting...then if I said no or they said no he "wouldn't be their friend". I don't want to crush that generosity, but if we will be having kids in and out they will have no stuff left. My oldest just kept saying he wanted to give him things cause he remembers when he didn't have any toys before he came here, broke my heart and made me proud Just cant afford it!
Weekends and No school days need to have a better schedule in place, otherwise we have too much screen time which leads to everyone arguing and also seems to trigger Matthew's negative attitude and behavior.
I need to call the agency tomorrow and figure out if Im supposed to do anything paperwork wise with Respites....for that matter I really hope I get the stipend for the days he was here.  I never even asked.  In my last agency respite was just worked out between foster parents, no pay was given by the agency.  If that's the case here I don't think I will be getting a stipend from his foster mom, lol!

Respite Placement:

SO in my 2 year hiatus from taking foster placements I almost forgot what the system was like...till today when I accepted a respite placement:

 Placement Worker- I have the sweetest boy, he is so polite, I really have nothing bad to say about him.
Me- That should work out fine, sounds good.
Worker dropping him off- I need you to sign his safety plan, he needs to be with you at all times especially around little kids due to some "issues". Oh and he needs transport to a visit tonight, school the next two days and a therapy appointment on Friday.....

Really??!! Right now I find the whole thing absolutely amusing, but I'm sure after a few more weeks of this I will be back to my pissed off at the system self!

Oh well, so far he is definitely polite and kind, we drove 45 minutes each way to a visit where no one showed up.  Considering we may be snowed in the rest of the week I probably wont have to do the school or therapy transport and it will be fun for the boys to have a new friend to play with for awhile.