Getting my BRAVE on!

I'm not one for confrontation, Ill pretty much grit and suffer through anything rather than confront someone.  That is why this is such a HUGE brave for me.  I'm going to be asking for a new Mobile Therapist for James. 

Allow me to vent.........

He is really unprofessional and inconsiderate of our time and its driving me crazy!  He originally scheduled with me to come on Tuesdays.  He has always been late at least twice during the month, anywhere from 15-60 minutes and would never call.  He began consistently showing up an hour late for weeks,  it finally caught up with him when his supervisor stopped by to observe the session and he called an hour after he was supposed to be here claiming he was stuck in traffic and couldn't come.  The next week he switched us to another day claiming the traffic from his appointment before us was causing the continued delay.  While once again he was never on time (one day he was an hour early cause he had to take the bus) and he never calls to say he is running late, sometimes he just doesn't show up.  The funny thing is the BIG thing they said I needed to work on was to create a visual schedule and consistently follow it.  Aside from the fact that we already had that and a visual schedule is the least of James problems, don't you think its hard to have a consistent schedule when the therapist is inconsistent in showing up on time or at all???   SO a few weeks ago he asked if it would be possible to do a couple of Saturday sessions when he has other clients who have signed up for an evaluation during out normal therapy time.  I said that was fine to do a few.  Saturday however is our ONLY day to relax.  Furthermore he never specified what Saturdays he needed to do this.  So for the last month he hasn't shown up on Monday(our normal day) at all, he showed up last week on Saturday after calling Friday night and asking to come at 1.  He then claimed he hadn't shown up cause I was on vacation in Orlando?? BUT he only heard that from someone else, he never called me to schedule anything, AND we were available on Mondays our normal day both weeks.  Furthermore he could have still come on Saturdays as the boys were here!   As he was leaving last Saturday I asked if he was coming on Monday and he said no he needed to do Saturday, I said fine.  I assumed it would be the same time.  Well its Saturday and he was supposed to be here at 1.  At 2:30 he called and asked if he could come at 3:30.  I told him I thought he was coming at 1 and he said he "told" me he would call on Saturday with a time.   EVEN if that was true what were we supposed to do, just sit around all day waiting for him to call and tell me what time he was coming??  Its already 2:30!!!  If he hadn't been coming we would have gone to the movies or the park or something!  When I asked if he was coming on Monday next week he said no he couldn't he needed to do Saturday and then got irritated when I said Saturdays were not going to work for us.  I'm so irritated, sorry for the novel!  Our Behavioral Specialist is coming this week and I'm going to ask about switching Mobile Therapists.  My boys really like having a male at the house but he doesn't do anything productive and I cant handle this scheduling anymore!!!

2/24/2014 Super Busy Day and hoping this is not a sign of whats to come...

Today was REALLY busy! We dropped off R1 last night so got a later start on the bedtime routine than I would have liked!  This morning we needed to get out the door super early to get Alex to his school in another county.  I did the best I could with a "uniform" for him, he thought they needed blue pants and a white shirt.  I was able to get a pair of blue corduroys that fit him in the waist, but were way to long and a light blue button down shirt.  Got him over to the school at 7:30 and walked him to the office (with my three boys in toe).  I briefly explained what was going on and that the Caseworker would probably be picking him up cause the dismissal time was not feasible for me to get there.  Another lady in the office began yelling at me that I'm not allowed to drop him off before 7:45, by this time it was already 7:40.  I explained that this was all very sudden and I had to get my other boys to school too and I'm sure the caseworker would get everything straightened out, but they needed to let Alex sit here for the 5 freaking minutes!!!  It is crazy how little education professionals (and medical professionals) understand the foster care system or the foster parents role.

Next, I took Matthew to school, then Joel and James got dropped off at preschool.  Whew after that I had to rush over to a testing center about 20 minutes away and take some licensing exams to have my teaching license transferred to this state.  I'm hoping to be able to get an online teaching position for next year so I can still work from home.  Took the tests, passed!  Check one off my to do list.

Okay raced back to pick up the boys from preschool and over to have lunch with Grandma.  Then passed Joel over to Grandma and took James over to a Psych Eval appointment (we have to do one every two months now for insurance purposes).  This eval was with the same lady as the last one she irritates me. Once again at the end her recommendations for me were not in line with any , professional working with kids who have endured early childhood trauma and attachment issues.  Furthermore, when she found out we had a foster placement she began asking me some questions that were none of her business, "Why are you taking in more kids, it would seem to me you would be overwhelmed with the ones you have?" My response, "No not overwhelmed.  I'm a foster parent its what I do.  I enjoy it this boy fits in great with our family and needs a home. We are happy to provide it for now!"  Her next question, "Well the other three are adopted right?  You're not looking to adopt anymore are you?"  Mind you these were asked dripping in condensation!  My response, "Not particularly but I'm not against it."  Ill admit the last time we were in her office I did get a bit emotional, but she told me my kid was brain damaged and would never recover, which is just an idiotic thing to say!  And regardless cant someone just have a bad day?!  This is why its so hard to share things with people, there is such judgment and blame on the choices rather than support.  Yes I had a bad day I was feeling overwhelmed on that day, everyone feels overwhelmed occasionally.  If I were pregnant with a fourth child would she have still thought it was her business to express her opinion? Grrr.....next time I want to switch to a different evaluator, but then I have to go through the whole history again, blah.

After that ordeal was over, we met Grandma and Joel over at the car place to drop off my car for inspection.  Then we headed back to my house with Grandma,  a few minutes later CW brought Alex home and gave me some paperwork.  This evening I was able to look it over and find some names to stalk on facebook, eye opening to say the least.  Lets just say I don't think the birth parents would be happy with him being in my home.  They have some pretty strong beliefs/opinions.  From my stalking I also found court records so it looks like birthmom will be away for another 8-20 months.   Mind you I got NO information from the caseworker.

Then it was time for Mobile Therapist to arrive.  Shortly after he came Grandma left with Grandpa and we got started with therapy.  The therapist even pointed out how much easier it seemed with the four of them opposed to the three.  SO far it seems like having Alex here really breaks up the trauma bond between the three of them.  James and Alex are really hitting it off and James seems to be modeling some good play skills from Alex.  We will see how long it lasts but right now I am happy.  Matthew is still adjusting but doing pretty well, I knew he would have the hardest time despite him being the most vocal about wanting more kids.  Its giving us some great opportunities to practice skills and have conversations.  I've been trying to carve out some extra time in the evenings for us to spend together.

And now everyone is finally in bed :)  Have to register James for Kindergarten and get Alex transferred to our local school tomorrow!

Either he's dedicated to his job or we are REALLY messed up!

It's Saturday and it's snowing.  Its been snowing all week, we had 6 or so inches earlier in the week and James' Mobile Therapist had to cancel.  AND by cancel I mean he just didn't show up, no that I figured he would with the snow, but a call would have been nice.  Anyhow, he called on Friday to schedule a session for today......a Saturday, and no they don't typically work on weekends.  He is either really dedicated to his job or we are really messed up and he was afraid to skip a session with us, lol!

Anyway apparently we have completely given up on trying to "fade out" and have the boys play by themselves for a few minutes in order to enable me to get things done around the house.  Now the plan is to just set them up with something to do wherever I need to be in the house.  Which is really not very helpful at all, the whole point is I need a break for a few minutes to put some laundry in the washer and take a breath, not to have them follow me around the house.  Good news is it sounds like we will finally be doing some direct instruction on social skills with James (and the others) in a special circle time starting next week.

Both James and Matthew requires direct instruction on social skills, they don't pick up on social cues or by watching how others interact.  I think this will be good for them......hopefully.

Update on James

James has been working with a BHRS (Behavior specialist) and Mobile Therapist for about three months now. I really like them, they don't totally get it, but nonetheless they have given me some things to think about and implement at home.  We've focused our house rules on three things:  Be Kind, Be Respectful, Be Safe.  Ive tried to stop talking as much and just focus on these three rules.  So instead of a long rambling lecture I just say, "That's not safe".  I think it has been helpful, not so much with James actual issues, but helpful when trying to wrangle all three boys and in a general household control and structure way.

Im still waiting on James' medication to go through the insurance.  That has been a complete debacle of back and forth, however I think something should come through this week.

We had a three month check in with the counseling agency in order for insurance to continue funding the BHRS and Mobile Therapist.  Once again I had to go through James' life story.  Why cant these people just read the freaking file.  After talking for awhile I mention that at one point Matthew was diagnosed as RAD.  A big sigh of relief came over her and she said "OH so you wouldn't be SUPRISED if I tell you I think James has some attachment issues?!"  LOL surprised??  NO.  She proceeded to tell me in front of both Matthew and James that I had taken on a "burden" and they were "brain-damaged".  I was livid at that point, I really cant stand some of these therapists! She then proceeded to tell me how I should parent him with a one page summary sheet, cause you know, she went to a training once......

Whatever, over and done with and insurance approved therapy for the next three months.

James has been doing better than expected in preschool.  There have been a few incidents like choking a peer and hitting the teacher at the beginning. It seems as though he really wants friends.  The other kids in the class will not play with him when he is "rough" and will flat out tell him.  He seems to get that the other kids don't like it, but still struggles with what behaviors he can replace it with to get them to play with him.  Despite this the kids seem to quickly forgive and invite him to play.  He has trouble focusing and listening during group time.  He is more apt to try and push his chair into the person next to him or look around the room.  Im hoping the medicine will help with this.  He is "behind" academically, but does show interest in learning things that seem fun to him.  Right now he likes writing.  The teacher thinks it is more so the fact that they get to work one on one with her, which I'm sure is true, but works for me.

We've got a meeting Wednesday with James' BHRS and Mobile Therapist to update the plan of action for the next three months.

Trajectory of Healing

We are coming to the end of a 9 month family based treatment program, I am glad and ready to take a break for awhile.  No more frantically cleaning the house several times a week to prepare for the therapists.  No more wasting hours each week teaching the therapists discussing trauma/attachment and the lasting effects it has on my children.  It became pretty evident early on that this would be one more thing to add to our list of therapies that didn't really help.  Within the first few weeks the therapist told me he didn't really know what to do with our family.  He was used to going in and spending the first six months teaching the parent how to develop structure, rules, rewards and consequences.  All these things were in place in our house from the day I brought them home.  It is what I have heard for three years, the only thing the therapists we have seen know how to do is reprimand and scorn.....I mean.... help the parent :)  I understand that in reality the majority of the kids they see with behavior issues are really just products of their environment and poor parenting skills, but when a child who is truly mentally ill comes along, no one knows what to do.  I don't understand this.  I've spent the past three years reading, researching, talking with other parents.  I've developed strategies, skills, and tools for my kids to use.  I'm tired of doing their job.  Yesterday I asked the therapist if he had any suggestions for helping James with his impulsivity and processing delay.  He has always been very impulsive, doing whatever pops into his mind.  Unfortunately his impulses tend to be hitting or throwing or yelling in your face.  These things will not go over well in his 5 day a week preschool next fall.  We have really been trying to work on this and what I have noticed is that what often comes across as defiant behavior seems to be more of a processing delay.  For example,  if he comes up and screams in your face, you will ask him to stop and he will immediately scream in your face again, he may even do it with a laugh.  There seems to be a five second delay for what you have said to sink in, and you may even have to say it several times.  I don't think what he is doing is intentional, I genuinely don't think he is processing what is going on around him and what is being said correctly.  Anyway, the therapist says to me, "Brett, why do you always ask these questions that I can't help you with?!"  Um I don't know.....guess I just figured you were the one who went to school for this stuff!

Matthew had a new Psych Eval for the camp he will be attending this summer.  The family based counselor was there and asked how he was doing in the program.  He told the evaluator, "Matthew was a good trajectory of healing before we entered the picture and I believe he will continue on a steady path of growth."  Its true he has come so far, no thanks to the many 'professionals' along the way, for once in my life I'm taking the credit on this one, I'm the one......ok, ok, Ill give Matthew some credit too :)

I'm ready to be done....4 more weeks.