Guest Blog over at The Last Mom

 

 

 

I was so lucky to have shared a guest post over at Last Mom!  Not only do I love her blog, she is a fantastic parent to Princess, but I've gotten to know here in real life too :)  Below is a copy of my post that I shared with her readers, be sure to check out her page too!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm so excited to be sharing with all of you in The Last Mom community today!  For those of you who don't already know me, my name is Bessy and I blog over at www.youngsingleandadopting.blogspot.com.  I want to talk with you today about having a child who seeks out attention, comfort, and sympathy from everyone and anyone.....other than you!

My journey into the world of foster care and adoption began about four years ago when I took in my first placement, a sibling group of three boys ages 5, 21 months, and 7 weeks old......oh and did I mention I'm a single parent?!  It was a whirlwind and roller coaster right from the beginning.  This "we just need a place for them to stay for a weekend" placement never left and we became an official family two years later.  The boys are now 9, 5, and 4 years old and we still foster 1-2 kiddos at a time. 

Things have been far from perfect in our journey, shortly after the boys came my oldest was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and in the years that followed we received additional diagnosis of ADHD, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder and more.  My middle son has also been diagnosed with ADHD and a Mood Disorder as well as "attachment issues".  I knew we were in for it when this cute little boy jumped into my car that first day, within minutes of meeting me, and said "Can I call you Mommy?  I LOVE you SO much!!!".  I thought it was slightly odd and had knew about attachment stuff, but had no idea the trauma a statement like that really signaled.  Oh how naïve I was then!

The first few weeks were great, my oldest would tell me he loved me and hang on me and play with me, showering me with affection and adoration.  However, as the weeks went on that affection towards me dissipated and was replaced by distance, anger, and pushing me away. I began noticing that he would easily walk up to strangers or acquaintances and climb in their laps, hold their hands, ask them for help tying his shoe or reaching something high.  Oh and the ladies loved it, they would take in his big gorgeous smile and shower him with special attention, hugs, kisses, and treats. They would tell me what an adorable, affectionate,loveable sweetheart he was and I was left feeling like something was very wrong.  As I learned more about early childhood trauma, reactive attachment disorder, and my own child's personal history, the pieces all began to come together.  My son was able to accept "love" from these other people, his relationships with these people weren't a threat to him, they were superficial, he was getting what he needed (attention, affection, things) without having to worry about attaching, trusting, being vulnerable with someone only to have that person abandon him, abuse him or neglect him.  It further reinforced this idea he had learned that adults were stupid, worthless, and dangerous, that he didn't need to rely on me for anything. He could take care of himself by manipulating adults into getting him things he needed by being superficially charming. Something had to be done to enforce my role as parent, a trustworthy caretaker who could meet his needs without abuse, neglect, or abandonment allowing him to just be a kid without worry.

Here are some of the things we have done over the years to help encourage my son to seek me out to meet his needs instead of others:

1. Keep your child's world small:  One of the most important things you can do, when trying to discourage your children from seeking out others instead of you, is to keep the child's world very small.  Try to avoid environments where your child will have the opportunity to seek out others.  For us this meant using online schooling for a year so we were able to focus on bonding, trusting, direct instruction of social skills, and fun!  If you have to go out keep your child close, this may mean they hold your hand or stay by your side but you want to minimize any interactions that would encourage further separation from you as the caregiver.
2. Inform those around you:  Often times people have the best intentions when interacting with your child.  Most of the world has no idea about attachment issues and no idea what to do to support you in parenting a child with attachment issues.  They may question your parenting when you wont let your child out of your site or go to a friends house for dinner.  I have found that the majority of people are willing to listen.  Most of the time I don't get into a lot of details, but I have shared that my child is working on bonding with me and learning to trust me to provide his needs.  For those closer to you or who may see the child often, you may want to provide a list of ways they can support your child or explain a little of your child's history if appropriate.  Another idea you may want to use is developing a small business card relevant to your child's struggles that you can pass out to strangers or acquaintances you come in contact with when out http://youngsingleandadopting.blogspot.com/2013/12/business-cards-for-special-needs.html.
3. Look for missed areas of development:  Our children often missed some pretty important areas of development, go back and look at some development charts and get an idea of what skills your child doesn't seem to have.  You may need to provide Direct Instruction (see #4) in order for them to learn those skills.  Children often learn through play in their early years, unfortunately many of our children never got the chance to play with Mom or Dad and create that bond while also developing.  Many kids love to go back and play some of those games, or read some of those stories that are typically geared for younger children.  Having some special "play" time set aside each day or week to play with Mom or Dad can be a great way to encourage trust and bonding with you that they never received. Over on my blog I am doing a series on "Teaching" Our Kids how to Play, going back and working on those missed play stages, come on over and check it out :)
4. Use Direct Instruction to teach them how to get their needs met:  Many times teachers and other adults have told me that my son would "pick up" appropriate social skills by watching others or by modeling it for them.. I have found this to NOT be the case for my kids, maybe because they have holes in their development from before they came (see above), but I have found they need direct instruction.  For example,  if my son wanted a snack he would just go take one.....or twenty, lol!  Instead of just saying "No" hoping he just learned this was not okay and understand why we would teach it as a skill.  We would develop steps for getting a snack 1. I feel hungry 2. Go ask Mom for a snack 3. Listen to the choices of snack 4. Pick one 5. Sit at table and eat.   We would then put the steps on a sign with pictures of the child doing each step or illustrations of the step and hang it where it will be needed.  Whenever the issue arose we would head over and check what the steps said to do.  Pick one or two things to work on at time; maybe how to ask Mommy for a snack or what to do if you are hurt.  Think of an area your child doesn't come to you to get their needs met and break it down into simple steps for them to follow.  I found it easier to reinforce when it was coming from the sign, then it wasn't ME telling them what to do and reduced some control issues.
5. Have your child ask for everything:  As kids get older and gain independence it is really easy to let them "take over" certain tasks.  What we want is for the child to learn they can trust you to provide everything they need and accept it from you.  One way you can encourage this is to require your child to ask you for everything, sure my 5 year old could get his own snack or pour his own water, he had been caring for himself and his brother long before I came along.  However, requiring him to ask me first began to create a need based relationship and allow him to accept me to be the provider.  If he did something without asking, I would simply respond, "Oh it looks like you were hungry, you got the yogurt all by yourself.  Next time, you need to ask me for a snack first and then we can get it together.  You might even be able to get a cookie for a snack if you ask.  Would you like that?" There is no punishment, just reinforcing that Mommy is the one who provides, which leads me to my next point!
6. Say yes whenever possible:  You want to be associated with good things, find ways to say yes to things instead of no.  There is a great article talking about this over at BeTA (Beyond Trauma and Attachment) http://www.momsfindhealing.com/index.php/blog/yes/

It can be really difficult to feel like the rest of the world is getting to interact with your sweet loving child and you are getting the cold shoulder.  You just have to realize that this is a marathon and not a sprint, slow and steady my friends!  Its been four years with my boys and I can honestly say each year has gotten better and better.  Sure we have our ups and downs and regressions and progress, but I'm pretty confident at this point my son prefers me, he may not be fully "attached" in all senses of the word, but if given the choice he would pick me.  Four years ago, that wouldn't have been the case, he would have happily climbed in any persons car and driven off into the sunset asking "Can I call you Mommy?".


Thanks to The Last Mom for having me over today and you all for letting me share a small part of our story!  I'd love to have you join me over at my blog www.youngsingleandadopting.blogspot.com or on my facebook page https://www.facebook.com/YoungSingleAndAdopting. 

Bessy

25 days of purposeful LOVE

As Thanksgiving comes to a close and we enter the Christmas season,  I am finding my "therapeuticness" is being tested more and I'm failing miserabley!  When my boys are excited their behavior goes downhill fast, when you throw in the excitement if the hilidays with all the trauma history holidays bring up it is a disaster.  When my stress level is up u loose my temper quickly, my patience is minimal and I ten to blow small behavioral incidents into massive ones.  Something has to change this holiday season and its gonna have to start with me!

Here's my goals for this holiday season, will you join me in one or all of them?

25 books to read this month:  For the last few Christmases I have tried to wrap up 25 Christmas books and read one each night.  Any time I find a Christmas Book at Goodwill I grab it and put it in my stash.  I have yet to actually make it through all 25 days!  Inevitably an evening starts going downhill, I get frustrated and send everyone to bed without the story.  This year I am going to do it!!  There is nothing they can do to loose the story, I am going to remain calm and patient and read that story as if my life depended on it :)

25 games played this month:  Matthew loves card games of any kind, he usually waits till the end of the night when I am drop dead tired and then starts begging me to play.  I end up denying him way to much cause I'm tired and worn out from the days activities.  This month I am going to play a game every day.  Ill try and play earlier in the day so I'm not too tired to do it and I will try to ask him to play instead of the other way around :)

25 crafts this month: As you probably already know from my Art Therapy Thursday posts, my kids LOVE crafts. My goal is to get at least 25 crafts done this month with them!  I'm sure Ill be sharing them on Art Therapy Thursdays!

25 meals eaten together this month: I love the idea of eating together, but in all honesty what happens is I get everybody everything and by the time I sit down to eat they are all done.  Nobody is getting up from the dinner table till we are ALL done. 
 

25 hugs per week: James is anxiously attached he has a constant desire for hugs.  I usually require him to ask first because of boundary issues and personal space issues he has.  I am not a touchy feely person, I generally don't like hugs all that much!  BUT this month I am making myself initiate hugs at least 25 times per week!  This morning I came down and asked everyone for a morning hug.  Afterwards, James says, "We should do this every morning Mommy, have a morning hug right when you come down!"  He was so excited.  How can you say No to a cute face like that!
 

25 minutes of family time a night: This could be reading the book, making the craft or playing the game, but it has to be ALL of us spending time without electronic distractions!


Any takers?  Ill keep you updated on how it goes for me!  Follow me on Facebook and let me know what you will be doing this holiday season to connect with your difficult kiddos! (Click the facebook badge on the right to follow me on FB).

 

Calm Down Corner and Command Center

As I am mentally preparing to head back up the mountain with my middle son James, I spent the week making a "Calm Down Corner".  There were a few reasons behind having this corner.  First, I'm trying to develop a positive parenting approach with James to help with his underlying attachment issues.  Spending so much time focusing on everything he is doing wrong and being upset with him is not helping either of us with bonding and increasing self image.  We had been using the typical "Time-Out" with him, but it never resulted in any changed behavior.  Instead his anxiety increased exponentially and it turned into a battle of wills.  If I am trying to teach him to change his behavior I need to focus on his anxiety first.  Then we can focus on the actual behavior. Which brings me to the calm down corner.  We are working on a variety of strategies he can use when he gets upset or anxious.  I have placed these in the calm down corner with the hope that he will be reminded to utilize these skills to get himself back under control.  Once everyone has calmed down then we can discuss the behavior, what he can do differently next time, and then coming up with a way to repair any damage to relationships he may have done.

Here is the "Calm Down" Corner side.  It is located on the landing of our stair case.  This wall contains the calm down strategies and the other wall is out "Command Center".

 

 We are working with James on identifying emotions and picking up on emotional social cues.  I put this emotions poster in the corner so he can point out what he is feeling throughout the day.  Above the Emotions Poster is our House Rules which are Be Kind, Be Respectful, and Be Safe.  No matter what they are doing wrong I relate it to one of these rules.  For example if they are jumping on the couch I say, "That is not safe".  By focusing on these three words I believe we have seen a lot more understanding from my younger boys.  Less Talking equals More Listening :)

Here are larger print outs of the Relaxation Books I have talked about previously.  There are eight relaxation techniques that are kid friendly.  James really likes the Lemon one where you pretend to squeeze lemons with your hands for ten seconds.  Next to that I have a print out of a rose/candle to practice deep breathing.  I have the boys pretend to smell a flower through their nose and then blow out the candle through their mouth when we are "breathing".  Behind that is a printable to keep track of taking 5 breaths in the shape of a star.  I cant find the link for that one, but will add it if I come across it again!

Here are a smaller version of the relaxation cards that we can grab and take with us outside or to the store.

This is our calm down box, inside we have a few books about being angry, some I Spy books and a few little other things I will show you in the next few pictures.

We have a few glitter bottles that you can shake up and watch the glitter.

Here are balloons that have been filled with Play-Dough.  We drew sad and mad faces on them.  They can be squeezed like stress balls.  So far they are a favorite in the corner.

This was just a dollar store lacing activity.


COMMAND CENTER:

The other wall has our command center, basically everything important goes over here!

We have a weekly verse that the boys can memorize for a prize and a Character Trait that we are working on this week.  I will emphasize this trait throughout the week, giving out high 5's or stickers when I se someone demonstrating it!

 Our bulletin board has the weekly menu's and calendar of appointments.  I also have an individual behavior sheet that is used when someone is working on something individually.  Underneath the board we have what we are praying for this week, I have six categories (Family, School, Church, Friends, Country, Other Countries).  We rotate pictures and pray for different people in each category.  The "Friends" Category includes not only neighborhood/school friends but I have also laminated pictures and descriptions of kids we have received from Compassion International, so we will pray for them as well.  The Blue Schedule on the side was something I had picked up from the dollar store.  I keep James and Joel's afternoon schedule there since that is when we have the most issues.  It includes picture cards for the activities.  The white board above is Matthew's board.  It lists his chore for the day on the top.  Then there is a checklist for morning and a checklist for afternoon things that need to be done.  This has really helped, instead of me nagging him about making his lunch or putting away his coat, I just ask him if he's completed the list!  Its helped eliminate some control battles as it is no loner me telling him what to do.

Update on James

James has been working with a BHRS (Behavior specialist) and Mobile Therapist for about three months now. I really like them, they don't totally get it, but nonetheless they have given me some things to think about and implement at home.  We've focused our house rules on three things:  Be Kind, Be Respectful, Be Safe.  Ive tried to stop talking as much and just focus on these three rules.  So instead of a long rambling lecture I just say, "That's not safe".  I think it has been helpful, not so much with James actual issues, but helpful when trying to wrangle all three boys and in a general household control and structure way.

Im still waiting on James' medication to go through the insurance.  That has been a complete debacle of back and forth, however I think something should come through this week.

We had a three month check in with the counseling agency in order for insurance to continue funding the BHRS and Mobile Therapist.  Once again I had to go through James' life story.  Why cant these people just read the freaking file.  After talking for awhile I mention that at one point Matthew was diagnosed as RAD.  A big sigh of relief came over her and she said "OH so you wouldn't be SUPRISED if I tell you I think James has some attachment issues?!"  LOL surprised??  NO.  She proceeded to tell me in front of both Matthew and James that I had taken on a "burden" and they were "brain-damaged".  I was livid at that point, I really cant stand some of these therapists! She then proceeded to tell me how I should parent him with a one page summary sheet, cause you know, she went to a training once......

Whatever, over and done with and insurance approved therapy for the next three months.

James has been doing better than expected in preschool.  There have been a few incidents like choking a peer and hitting the teacher at the beginning. It seems as though he really wants friends.  The other kids in the class will not play with him when he is "rough" and will flat out tell him.  He seems to get that the other kids don't like it, but still struggles with what behaviors he can replace it with to get them to play with him.  Despite this the kids seem to quickly forgive and invite him to play.  He has trouble focusing and listening during group time.  He is more apt to try and push his chair into the person next to him or look around the room.  Im hoping the medicine will help with this.  He is "behind" academically, but does show interest in learning things that seem fun to him.  Right now he likes writing.  The teacher thinks it is more so the fact that they get to work one on one with her, which I'm sure is true, but works for me.

We've got a meeting Wednesday with James' BHRS and Mobile Therapist to update the plan of action for the next three months.