2/20/2014

I listened to a great interview with Bryan Post that was taking place during an Online Training Summit put on by Full Potential Parenting, there are speakers all week so if you haven't yet go register!  It really hit home when Bryan was talking about letting out children feel what they feel, that when we suppress their feelings and suppress their attitudes what we get is the behaviors.  When Matthew got home from school he almost immediately through a tantrum about not being able to get on the Ipad.  He is not allowed to play electronics during the week, so this isn't anything new.  After being refreshed by the interview this morning I was able to stay calm, validate what Matthew was feeling and redirect him to getting something to eat so his brain could think.  We sat at the table together and really connected once he calmed down.  Win-Win, thank you Bryan Post!  I would love to get his DVD/Audio series for Parents but at almost $300 it seems a little out of my price range right now.

Matthew and I just finished a great game of Battleship, playing games is something I don't usually enjoy doing with Matthew.  I'm hyper-vigilant waiting for him to have a meltdown anytime he thinks he is losing, stuck in my own PTSD from all of the major rages and violent meltdowns we have been through that have been triggered from playing games with him.  Today was our first time playing Battleship, he had never played before, meaning I had to teach him the game, another trigger. Mathew doesn't like to listen to people explain or teach him things, see....he already knows it ALL :)  Then when it turns out he doesn't know it all and he is not as good at things as people who have been doing them and practicing them another meltdown begins.  You know what he said when he lost the game as we were cleaning up, "Hey Mom, I didn't even get upset I lost!".  You are so right my boy, you are awesome, I know how hard that is for you and you totally rocked it!!

Respite Drama

So 5 hours after I dropped R1 off back with his foster family, the foster mother is calling me to come back and pick him up.  She "made a mistake taking him back" and wants me to keep him for a few weeks.  At the beginning of the respite I gave her the benefit of the doubt due to the family circumstances that were bringing him into respite in the first place. However, as the week went on things just seemed more and more off with our conversations.  On Saturday she asked if I would be able to keep him the following weekend as well if his therapist didn't want him attending the family function that was being scheduled.  I said I would.  They were supposed to pick him up Sunday evening, she told me "He wants to stay till Monday so Ill just pick him up then".....um asking ME if that was okay might be nice.  When Monday comes she tells me she is going to need me to transport him to her since her husband doesn't drive...although she was there when we dropped him off and she drives, so.....?  When I drop him off she tells him he is coming with me next weekend, which means she didn't really check with his counselor on how to handle this situation, in fact no one had explained to him what the situation even was.  So she goes on to ask me when I can pick him up on Friday.  I ask about his school dismissal time and tell her I can pick him up around 5 after my son gets home on the bus.  She tells me she doesn't need to send him to school and I can come pick him up around 12 from her house.  No, not going to work lady!  Anyway I say I can pick him up directly from school on Friday and bring him home Sunday evening.  I left already feeling like she was taking advantage of me and the situation.  Less than 5 hours later she was calling for me to come get him.  I told her no, there is no way I can get him to and from his school everyday, or the 45 minutes each way to visit and counseling.  On top of that he has a safety plan that I wasn't informed about originally that is really hard for me to follow as a single parent.  I mean line of sight supervision is kinda hard when the only adult in the house would like to take a shower or pee!  I'm really frustrated and feel bad for R1, cant wait to see what happens tomorrow....wonder how long it will take the agency to call me and try and convince me to take him all week?  I don't want to sound cold or heartless to this foster families situation but I went into this round of fostering telling myself I was going to stand up for myself and what I want this time around, not get walked over, and here I am first situation in and already feeling taken advantage of, ugh.

How Bey Blades have taken over my life, shown me how far we've come and pointed out what we still need to work on!

Have you experienced Bey Blades at your house?  If not, get down on your knees and thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon you by keeping them out of your house.  I'd say we have had them in our house for about two years, the boys playing with them on and off.  However, this past month their has been a resurgence of Bey Blades, due in part to our trip to visit friends in Georgia who also liked them.  The basic idea is these little toys hook on to a "shooter"  when you pull the cord they go flying and then spin like a top on the ground.  Everyone shoots their bey blades and they spin into each other and whoever's blade is the last one spinning is the winner.  There is also a TV show....you know in case you wanted to have a marathon Bey Blade watching session.  Its not too bad at first, but after an hour of kids screaming at the top of their lungs "3....2....1, LET IT RIP". Followed by loud banging and crashing and yelling.......you see the dilemma.  Throw in there three little boys who think its fun to shoot these things into the air towards glass windows and you have a stressed out momma. 

As annoying as these toys are, last night I tried to look at the positives.  The boys are ALL playing together!  Sometimes it lasts longer than others, but usually we make it a good 30 minutes before I need to step in or remove someone from playing.  Sometimes its even longer!  To top it off they are playing it upstairs (away from the windows I was sure were going to get broken) so Im not even needing to directly supervise.  This is pretty impressive when you think about it, three years ago this would NEVER have been a possibility.  They also seem to be incorporating story lines into their play, granted the storylines still involve fighting and beating the other person, but its more than I have seen previously.  They are working on sharing and taking turns, being good sports, etc.  SOme of this requires more prodding on my part, but its happening.

There are a few things which are evident need some major work in our house still based on our Bey Blade interactions.  James' anxiety is still through the roof, and he whines and yells and stomps without telling anyone what the issue is.  Joel still has issues with sharing and with loosing the game.  Matthew still needs to work on is bossiness and his role as the oldest, meaning sometimes we do what the younger kid wants even if its not "fair" and that we need to help the younger kids play the game without getting frustrated at their lack of ability.

We had a long weekend due to MLK day, no school Friday or Monday, now we are on our second snow day (Tues and Wed).  I'm about Bey Bladed out!  Praying for school tomorrow!!

Don't let RAD steal YOUR joy this Christmas.

I've heard a lot of talk this week about RAD kiddos and Christmas presents.  Parents at the end of their ropes contemplating not giving any presents or leaving a note from Santa saying their behaviors don't warrant the presents they wanted, but here's some socks.

Do I get this?  100%, in fact I have stared at the Nintendo DS box wrapped up under the tree every morning and contemplated taking it away.  My son has been particularly challenging and I have been particularly annoyed and irritated by his behavior.  Does he "deserve" the Nintendo DS?  Absolutely not! 

I could go into a diatribe about how Christmas isn't about deserving presents and Gods love has covered us despite our sinful nature, so shouldn't we also put aside our kids "sins" and show them love this Christmas.  I could, but I won't, this year I want you to stop and think about yourself on Christmas not your child.  

As parents of special needs kids we've given up a lot of "normal".  Our holidays are often stressful as we hyper-vigilantly plan out every minute.  We don't get to sit around the adult table and converse with friends and family as our kids play nicely in the next room, we are stuck watching our child like a hawk trying to put out fires before they are started, all the while holding our breath waiting for the next crisis.  If we do get a chance to talk with adults we end up listening to others critique our parenting or telling us that 'boys will be boys' or 'oh my kid does that, it's normal'.  Worse yet we hear about all of the perfect kids the other adults have as our son waters the plants with pee.
 

We've already lost so much at the holidays, do we really want to lose presents too?  The rest of the day may totally suck, the kids will be ungrateful and unappreciative.  They may break the very thing you bought them and that they wanted so badly.  BUT before all that there is a moment where they are excited and happy, truly happy.  It may only be a second, but YOU did that.  That happiness you see, the twinkle in their eye, it's not there often is it? That smile is what "normal" parents live for, and YOU have given that to them.   This year on Christmas morning I want you to take that moment, however brief it is, and cherish it, because you brought joy to an often joyless child.  YOU had a moment where you felt like a "good" parent, a "normal" parent enjoying their kids happiness on Christmas.

What will you get for YOU if you take away the presents?  Your child will NOT learn a lesson, there is no logic or cause and effect thinking with attachment disorders.  Your child will not remember this next time and say "Hmmm...last year I misbehaved and didn't get any presents, by golly this year I'm going to behave so I can have what I want."  Not. going. to. happen.  Likely the lack of presents or a note will only solidify what they feel inside, worthless, bad, un-loveable.  They will take that feeling and run with it the rest of the day their years.  You can guarantee a raging tantruming melt down  will be had, ruining not only their day but certainly YOUR day, cause you will now spend your Christmas trying to contain a crisis and keep everyone safe. 

Why do that to yourself on Christmas?  Sure you may have a moment of satisfaction, a moment of "See what happens when you don't behave!  See what happens when you treat me like crap, the one person who pours out their heart and soul to help you every single day!".  But is it worth it?  I for one would much rather have the fleeting moment of joy in my child's eyes then that moment of satisfaction.  A moment that in reality continues to make me feel like crap, a crappy mom who cant even enjoy Christmas with her kids, a crappy mom who can't help this child, a crappy mom who will never be enough.  This year I am going to be enough for me and enough for my kid.  I'm going to watch him open that Nintendo DS and see the quick twinkle of his eye however brief it may be.....and Ill hold on to that twinkle and remember it when he breaks this Nintendo DS (just like he broke the last three**! LOL).


***To my oldest son's credit the third DS was dropped in the toilet by his younger brother (he also has attachment issues) who thought peeing and playing at the same time sounded like a GREAT idea ;)

 

ENJOY YOUR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR MOMMAS, DO IT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Balancing Openness in Adoptions for kids who suffered Early Childhood Trauma

The other night Matthew and I were watching "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" on TV.  As riveting as the movie is, I was scrolling through face book at the same time.  I ran across a post from Matthew's birthmom that she was watching "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."  Three years ago I would have just kept scrolling.  Three years ago I wouldn't have wanted to deal with the fall out from mentioning his birthmom.  I figured it would be best to just ignore it, he doesn't bring her up, so why push the issue. 

What I have realized over the last three years is that even though he doesn't bring it up or talk about her, there is still a connection.  It doesn't matter if that connection is rooted in trauma and hurt, it is there deep within his heart.  That connection can grow in his heart towards resentment and confusion, anger and guilt if left alone to fester without guidance.  If the fall out isn't dealt with now while he is young and can be guided, imagine how large that dark stain on his soul will grow.  Trauma like that when not dealt with is not easily contained when we are adults.

So I shared with him that his birthmom was watching the same thing right now.  He was giddy and excited that evening, it grew to a manic episode over the next few days.  BUT it was manageable, contained.  We discussed big feelings and holidays and missing birthfamilies.  We discussed that it is okay to be mad and sad and happy and curious and all the things that come with adoption and trauma, but it is not okay to hurt others, to be defiant and disrespectful, to be unkind and unfun to be around.  We discussed that he has all the tools he needs to handle his emotions, to sit with them and feel them, acknowledge them, and to be okay.

Three years ago I would have kept scrolling, today I relish the chance to practice everything we have learned, to look at how far we have come, to appreciate the fact that despite everything his birthmom will always be connected to him and love him even if she wasn't able to keep him safe. 

Balancing openness in adoptions with kids who have suffered early childhood trauma is difficult, but worth it.

Christmas Challenge: Week 1

December 1st-  I got in my hugs with Joel and James, but not with Matthew! Ill have to work harder on his hugs tomorrow :)  We read "The 12 days of Christmas" and did a craft together followed by a family dinner. It may have all taken place around the coffee table BUT we did it!  After I got everyone to bed Matthew and I played Speed and I didn't even cop out after a couple rounds, I played all the way through,

December 2nd- seriously it's the second day and I'm already failing miserably at this hug thing, ugh, it's just not something that comes naturally to me and I don't think about doing it!  I did eat together and read the book.  We did some drawing together as a family.  BUT I'm most proud about the fact that despite Matthew pushing my buttons I still played the game with him.  I SO wanted to just leave him in his room, but I called him down and played for awhile!  Now hugs tomorrow.....I can do this!

December 3rd-  I did pretty good on hugs today!  Got in 5 with each of the boys!  Did our book and ate together, we didn't have time for a craft since it is the mobile therapist night.

December 4th-We read our book and ate our dinner together.  I played a game with Matthew, he didn't like loosing and began yelling that I was a cheater....things went downhill from there.  BUT I did eventually get him to his room so we could both calm down.  He came down a little later and apologized, we had a good talk so I guess it was a win!

December 5th- Got in some hugs today, played several games.  Of course Matthew had yet another blow out for not winning the game which resulted in him breaking the security/video camera upstairs....he is still up there dysregulated, but not breaking anything so Im taking a minute!  We had dinner together and illustrated a story we made.

December 6th- It was a busy day today and we had a rough morning, but we got everything in!

December 7th- I may or may not have just hugged my kids 20 times in a row to get in my hugs this week, LOL.  I am going to do better next week, I have to do better!  Everything else went pretty smoothly this week, despite Matthew really working on sabotaging the games.  2 more weeks to go :)

So your kid draws a scary picture.....

Here's the picture I found this morning on our coffee table:

This was MY interpretation:
In the top left corner is a boy scribbled over in black, he has an arrow next to his feet pointing to a heart and breathing fire onto the house.  I interpreted this to be Matthew burning the house down and not having a heart.  At the bottom of the house is a boy smiling holding a bloody knife, which I interpreted as Matthew.  There are three ghosts with stabbed hearts in the house which appear to be throwing up blood, I interpreted this to be myself and Matthews two brothers.

I started freaking out......I contacted some of my other Moms who get "it" and they calmed me down.  They told me to take a breath and just ask him to tell me about the picture when he gets home.  Don't react, thank him for sharing his feelings with me and keep the conversation open.

So tonight after Matthew and I played a few rounds of Speed, I pulled out the picture and asked him to tell me what was happening in the story.

Here is the explanation:
There was a Halloween drawing contest at school. He drew this picture of a black crow shooting lava at a house.  The good guy is going into the house to kill the evil vampire ghosts.  The ghost have broken hearts because they asked a girl out and she said no.  He didn't win the contest, another kid who had a picture of evil zombies won.  He was pretty mad he didn't win.

I totally overreacted,  MY PTSD took over, LOL.

Let this be a lesson for you, don't freak out till you get all the facts :)

25 days of purposeful LOVE

As Thanksgiving comes to a close and we enter the Christmas season,  I am finding my "therapeuticness" is being tested more and I'm failing miserabley!  When my boys are excited their behavior goes downhill fast, when you throw in the excitement if the hilidays with all the trauma history holidays bring up it is a disaster.  When my stress level is up u loose my temper quickly, my patience is minimal and I ten to blow small behavioral incidents into massive ones.  Something has to change this holiday season and its gonna have to start with me!

Here's my goals for this holiday season, will you join me in one or all of them?

25 books to read this month:  For the last few Christmases I have tried to wrap up 25 Christmas books and read one each night.  Any time I find a Christmas Book at Goodwill I grab it and put it in my stash.  I have yet to actually make it through all 25 days!  Inevitably an evening starts going downhill, I get frustrated and send everyone to bed without the story.  This year I am going to do it!!  There is nothing they can do to loose the story, I am going to remain calm and patient and read that story as if my life depended on it :)

25 games played this month:  Matthew loves card games of any kind, he usually waits till the end of the night when I am drop dead tired and then starts begging me to play.  I end up denying him way to much cause I'm tired and worn out from the days activities.  This month I am going to play a game every day.  Ill try and play earlier in the day so I'm not too tired to do it and I will try to ask him to play instead of the other way around :)

25 crafts this month: As you probably already know from my Art Therapy Thursday posts, my kids LOVE crafts. My goal is to get at least 25 crafts done this month with them!  I'm sure Ill be sharing them on Art Therapy Thursdays!

25 meals eaten together this month: I love the idea of eating together, but in all honesty what happens is I get everybody everything and by the time I sit down to eat they are all done.  Nobody is getting up from the dinner table till we are ALL done. 
 

25 hugs per week: James is anxiously attached he has a constant desire for hugs.  I usually require him to ask first because of boundary issues and personal space issues he has.  I am not a touchy feely person, I generally don't like hugs all that much!  BUT this month I am making myself initiate hugs at least 25 times per week!  This morning I came down and asked everyone for a morning hug.  Afterwards, James says, "We should do this every morning Mommy, have a morning hug right when you come down!"  He was so excited.  How can you say No to a cute face like that!
 

25 minutes of family time a night: This could be reading the book, making the craft or playing the game, but it has to be ALL of us spending time without electronic distractions!


Any takers?  Ill keep you updated on how it goes for me!  Follow me on Facebook and let me know what you will be doing this holiday season to connect with your difficult kiddos! (Click the facebook badge on the right to follow me on FB).

 

PTSD and Weight Gain

Have you read this article about how PTSD could lead to sizeable weight gain in women.

"The women were asked about the worst trauma they experienced and if they had symptoms of PTSD. Symptoms included re-experiencing the traumatic event, feeling threatened, avoiding social situations and feeling emotionally numb. PTSD was defined as having four or more symptoms over a month or more."

Often times the "trauma" that we as mothers of attachment challenged children is referred to as secondary PTSD, although not an official diagnosis, it refers to the mirroring of PTSD symptoms that our children exhibit.  I think this is dismissive to what we as mothers have gone through.  I hear from families all over about the constant threats and violence that some of them have endured, often for years.  They have lived with locked doors, hidden their kitchen knives, installed video monitoring systems and developed safety plans.  They have been physically and verbally abused by their own children.  They have been isolated from the outside world.  Our homes and experiences have moved beyond "secondary" trauma. 

Ill take it a step further and say that the majority of moms I know go beyond Secondary PTSD and meet the criteria for full blown PTSD.  Yes, our children may have PTSD and we very well may mirror their symptoms.  However, the longer you live with a child who has experienced trauma the more direct and indirect trauma you receive from the child.  I can confidently say that even though our home is relatively free from direct trauma, threats and violence at this time, the effects from the PTSD that I suffered early on are real and still something that I am working through.

I encourage you to take a look at the PTSD criteria, read over the article and discuss it with your doctor.  I know I for one am totally blaming my weight gain on this..........it definitely has nothing to do with my love of cheese fries and hatred of exercise!

Take a look at the DSM-V criteria for PTSD: (link the following definition was taken from)

Diagnostic criteria for PTSD include a history of exposure to a traumatic event that meets specific stipulations and symptoms from each of four symptom clusters: intrusion, avoidance, negative alterations in cognitions and mood, and alterations in arousal and reactivity. The sixth criterion concerns duration of symptoms; the seventh assesses functioning; and, the eighth criterion clarifies symptoms as not attributable to a substance or co-occurring medical condition.
Two specifications are noted including delayed expression and a dissociative subtype of PTSD, the latter of which is new to DSM-5. In both specifications, the full diagnostic criteria for PTSD must be met for application to be warranted.

Criterion A: stressor

The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, as follows: (one required)

1. Direct exposure.
2. Witnessing, in person.
3. Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. If the event involved actual or threatened death, it must have been violent or accidental.
4. Repeated or extreme indirect exposure to aversive details of the event(s), usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, collecting body parts; professionals repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). This does not include indirect non-professional exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures.

Criterion B: intrusion symptoms

The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in the following way(s): (one required)

1. Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive memories. Note: Children older than six may express this symptom in repetitive play.
2. Traumatic nightmares. Note: Children may have frightening dreams without content related to the trauma(s).
3. Dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) which may occur on a continuum from brief episodes to complete loss of consciousness. Note: Children may reenact the event in play.
4. Intense or prolonged distress after exposure to traumatic reminders.
5. Marked physiologic reactivity after exposure to trauma-related stimuli.

Criterion C: avoidance

Persistent effortful avoidance of distressing trauma-related stimuli after the event: (one required)

1. Trauma-related thoughts or feelings.
2. Trauma-related external reminders (e.g., people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations).

Criterion D: negative alterations in cognitions and mood

Negative alterations in cognitions and mood that began or worsened after the traumatic event: (two required)

1. Inability to recall key features of the traumatic event (usually dissociative amnesia; not due to head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
2. Persistent (and often distorted) negative beliefs and expectations about oneself or the world (e.g., "I am bad," "The world is completely dangerous").
3. Persistent distorted blame of self or others for causing the traumatic event or for resulting consequences.
4. Persistent negative trauma-related emotions (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
5. Markedly diminished interest in (pre-traumatic) significant activities.
6. Feeling alienated from others (e.g., detachment or estrangement).
7. Constricted affect: persistent inability to experience positive emotions.

Criterion E: alterations in arousal and reactivity

Trauma-related alterations in arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after the traumatic event: (two required)

1. Irritable or aggressive behavior
2. Self-destructive or reckless behavior
3. Hypervigilance
4. Exaggerated startle response
5. Problems in concentration
6. Sleep disturbance

Criterion F: duration

Persistence of symptoms (in Criteria B, C, D, and E) for more than one month.

Criterion G: functional significance

Significant symptom-related distress or functional impairment (e.g., social, occupational).

Criterion H: exclusion

Disturbance is not due to medication, substance use, or other illness.

Specify if: With dissociative symptoms.

In addition to meeting criteria for diagnosis, an individual experiences high levels of either of the following in reaction to trauma-related stimuli:

1. Depersonalization: experience of being an outside observer of or detached from oneself (e.g., feeling as if "this is not happening to me" or one were in a dream).
2. Derealization: experience of unreality, distance, or distortion (e.g., "things are not real").

Specify if: With delayed expression.

Full diagnosis is not met until at least six months after the trauma(s), although onset of symptoms may occur immediately.

There are some really great therapies out there for PTSD, if your looking for more information I would check out EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) and see if it might help you or your child in your healing.

ORLANDO 2013

It's hard to put Orlando into words. Those of you that have been understand!

This year over 120 women gathered together in Orlando, FL. It is a time of fellowship, relaxation, rejuvenation and learning. Although my goal in attending this year was to soak up as much knowledge as I could to bring back to my kiddos I ended up finding so much more. Most importantly I learned the value in taking care of me! I'm of no use to my boys when I'm stressed and exhausted, which is pretty much my daily life as a single mom to three VERY active little boys ;). It doesn't mean I need to go on vacation 4 times a year or even an evening out every week, but it does mean I need to sit down and relax with a cup of coffee or a good book.....every single day!! I need to find something small to do for me everyday. Something that doesn't involve the boys, attachment, therapy, parenting, etc.
the other incredible thing about Orlando was the wonderful women I met. We all come from different walks of life, but all connect on the issue of raising kids from hard places. I know I could contact any of these women and they would be on The phone with me in a second!
So now I can go about my day, enjoy a cup of coffee and catch up with these great women all across the country (and a few of my favorite Canadians too)! I'm already looking forward to next year!

If you're interested in coming to Orlando in 2014 check out :

www.momsfindhealing.com


Hope to see you there!

Revelations!!

Its been almost three years since my three boys came to live with me.

 We have been through so much together, but lately I have been feeling stuck.  I was feeling like we weren't moving forward as a family, we were just going through the daily motions.  I found myself blaming the boys, if only they listened to me, if only they got along, if only they would just calm down.  Between the three of them they had brought along so much baggage, speech delays, ADHD, RAD, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder; if only their birth parents hadn't screwed them over things would be ok.  However, this weekend I had the biggest awakening that although they had come into the family with all of these "problems" right now the biggest problem was.......me.  This weekend Joel, my youngest, was playing around on the computer and came across some old videos of Matthew from the first year he was here.  To say that they struck a chord with me would be an understatement.  I had a full on revelation of biblical proportions.  One video in particular was taken several hours into an over 12 hour rage.  The house in the background was a disaster due to Matthew throwing everything that wasn't nailed down at my head.  He ran up to his room, climbed onto his dresser and was attempting to "fly" while hurling toys in my direction.  At one point in the video you can even hear me desperately telling him to practice his deep breathing he had been learning with the "therapist", "Come on honey, Smell the flower.....Blow out your candles."  HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The kicker of the video is when he is hiding behind a chair, he pops his head up and in the calmest voice with a huge smile, he says, "I'm going to get a gun and shoot you."  As I watched this video I realized something,  we have come SO far.  The kid that stands before me today is NOT the same child so why was I still parenting to that child in the video?!  I mean I know things had improved, but it took that video to make me realize just how far we had come.  I realized that I had been suffering from my own version of PTSD.  I had been parenting my kids like we were still in that crisis mode.  Every little infraction would cause my body to tense and send me flying back to those moments where I lived in fear, fear of my child, fear of the safety of the other children, fear of judgment from family, friends, social workers and therapists, fear of failure.  I would overreact and yell and stress out as if every infraction was going to lead us back to a 12 hour rage ending in a hospital stay or an all nighter stationed outside Matthew's door to ensure another fire wasn't set or a knife hidden.  It was necessary then, I had to be hyper vigilant and overly cautious to protect everyone and help Matthew feel safe.  However, living in a constant state of crisis comes at the cost of a happy family.  We were merely surviving.  I now realize....we have SURVIVED!  We are by no means perfect, but it is time for me to let go and transition into HAPPY.  Happy experiences, happy memories, happy kids, and a happy mommy.  If every slight infraction immediately sends me back to that state of crisis management imagine what my child feels and the places his trauma leads him to remember on a daily basis.  Its time to let go a little, time to focus on the battles that are important, time to give up a little control and help Matthew manage his own behavior.  Are we still going to have moments of sabotage, lying, stealing and defiance? Sure.  But those moments are just moments not 12 hour rages that leave me emotionally drained.  Not rages that leave me covered in bruises and bite marks. Not rages that result in safety plans and hiding spots for the little ones.  I am ready to move the boys beyond the trauma to a place of happy and maybe (just maybe) do it all over again.