Saturday, June 1, 2013

Approaching fostering with forever kiddos

When deciding to foster again there were many concerns that I had this time around.  I now have to take into consideration three additional members of my family, all at different emotional stages of healing from their own neglect and abuse. The following are some of my concerns that I am still working through.  I don't know whether Ill have any resolution, it will likely be a case of dealing with these things as they come up.

1.  All of the extreme behaviors that my forever kids exhibited, due to the trauma and stress of foster care and early life experiences, when they first came to me have been extinguished.  Bringing more children into the mix who very well may have those behaviors could cause my forever kids to regress.
2.  Dealing with visits, phone calls and discussions with the foster children's birth families may bring up past hurts for my forever kiddos.  Why didn't there birth parents work the plan to get them back, show up to visits, get them presents, etc. are fair and realistic thoughts and feelings.
3.  My time and attention dealing with the inevitable trauma, feelings, and attachment issues of the foster children could create jealousy from my forever kiddos.
4.  How to deal with foster children returning to birth parents, relatives, or another placement?  My forever children obviously never got the chance to be reunified with their birth parents.  Also, my children struggle with a sense of abandonment.  These foster children are essentially their siblings who may very well up and leave with little notice, it is likely there would be no continued communication once they were reunified.

Regardless of the negative concerns there are many positives that I weighed when making this decision.

1.  Having additional children in the household is likely to disrupt the trauma bond that is present between my children.
2.  My oldest has buried a lot of emotions regarding his time before coming to me, he is fascinated by other children having similar stories.  I believe this could spark some real good conversations and healing.
3.  Having additional children in the house allows for more opportunities to practice the social skills we have been working on with peers.
4.  Having additional children in the house allows my boys to have a higher likelihood of finding someone to play with them and shared interests to occupy their time....rather than begging for TV and Video Games.
5.  Adding a girl to the mix would allow me to focus on treating girls in a kinder, less wrestling and whacking, way :)
6.  I think having foster children in the house would allow my oldest an opportunity to help and connect with another child going through things he has overcome.
7.  My children have a sense of entitlement that may be helped by making connections with children who may be coming with very little.

Just some thoughts.....



  1. Interesting, thank you for your perspective on this. I am a fost-adopt, young (ish @ 34), single mom to a 9 year old girl. TPR has occurred, just waiting on the adoption to finalize. She has been with me for 18 months. My home study is almost updated so I can take in an additional foster child (or two) - I am open to fost-adopting again as well if the situation is right :) I rarely find other people in my situation - not sure how I stumbled on your blog, probably from another blog I lurk on. I am in CA. Anyway, reading from the beginning and thought it was time I comment :)

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